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My wife had gone to the park with her friend and her friend’s daughter Ellie and I had a bit of a lull in my day so thought I would record a quick Me1 Vs Me2 snooker podcast. It is something that my wife doesn’t really like me doing, so I try to hide it from her if possible. Many husbands do much worse things than this when their wives’ backs are turned so she should be happy that this is as naughty as I get. And also one day it will make us millions of pounds when it takes off and becomes the biggest spectator/pay for view sport in the world. I will show her. I fully intend to spend a year of my life where I only play myself at snooker and we have to live off the proceeds. Luckily my wife’s books are bringing in a bit of money or we will starve that year.
The park is about half an hour’s walk away (more with a child in tow) and so I thought I had plenty of time to do some tidying up first, so moved some of the programme boxes that have been stacked in the hallway since they were delivered back from Edinburgh (there were loads too many boxes for the run for some reason) into the basement. But then the podcast got underway. Imagine my surprise when I heard a noise upstairs and realised my wife (and her friend and a child) were coming home unexpectedly and would catch me in the act. They hadn't gone to the park as they'd said, but to the green. The idiots. My wife came downstairs and was not impressed at all. They wanted to watch a video in a room that is only a part time snooker arena (one day we will be able to afford a dedicated snooker room and TV studio) and is more usually out TV room. She was quite annoyed, but let me finish the podcast. It is the quickest frame of Me1 vs Me2 snooker ever. Check it out here. It’s proper fly on the wall theatre. It might seem like a set up, but everything is real. You can actually sense the moment where the mote falls from my wife's eyes and she realises that she is married to me and she's thinking, "What have I done?" It's the world's greatest long-running snooker based drama series and long may it continue. If you're not listening in, then you're missing out.
I left them all to watch Frozen and did a bit more work. When I came downstairs Ellie had drawn a couple of pictures of me that I thought were frankly insulting. Like a I was a tiny insane imp. Is that how she sees me? We then got into a bit of a drawing competition and Ellie drew something else. I am not even sure what it was meant to be, it was a circle with a line in it. “It looks like a bum,” I said in mock outrage. I have never made anyone laugh more at anything I have said. Ellie thought this was brilliant. And just as funny the sixth or seventh time she made me saying it, proving that she is a fan of sophisticated comedy like Stewart Lee’s. I then drew a better bum than she had drawn (but not much better as I am a poor drawer) and that made her laugh too. She was meant to be going to bed soon and my subversive mentions of bums in both words and pictures were making her giddy and delirious. Why have I been wasting my time trying to make adults laugh (with let’s face it, pretty much the exact same material) when 5 year olds lap this stuff up. I wish some of the comedy reviewers had been in to see my work tonight. Or ITV2 at least. Though this material might have been a bit too sophisticated for them.
