Still getting used to the changes in the house. Our new front door has three locks - sorry can't think of the correct names for these - the smaller Yale lock and then two locks with bigger keys (deadlocks?) one in the top half of the door and one in the bottom. [THEY'RE CALLED MORTICE LOCKS OF COURSE AND APPARENTLY THE YALE TYPE IS A NIGHT-LATCH - TA TO @ontwoplanks) Both the keys for these are similar and the same colour and it's hard to work out which key is for which lock. Obviously they look a bit different if you look closely, but it's not easy to tell and sometimes up to fifteen seconds of my valuable day are wasted (time I could be playing Yahtzee on my iPhone).
But now I have come up with a genius rhyme that helps me work out which key is which. I noticed that one of the keys looks a little bit like a crown and conveniently that is the key for the lower lock. So now all I have to do when I get to the door is recite "Crown for down" - it's important to say it out loud - and I know which key to put where. I tried to think of a rhyme for the second key as well and came up with "Cup for up". Which I think you'll agree is genius. The slight problem is that the top key doesn't really look that much like a cup. In fact it looks a bit like a crown. But more like a cup and less like a crown than the first one. But I still often mistake it for the crown key. But the rhyme works about 50% of the time and I hope it's something that anyone in a similar fix might be able to use.
My wife was sorting out our DVDs this evening. Even though we've lived together for nearly three years we had not yet assimilated our DVD collections. But now the time has come to make this ultimate commitment, more binding and sacred than any wedding service: we're going to get rid of any duplicate DVDs that we have. I know. It's like saying this thing is going to last forever. Are we so certain of our love that we're prepared to downsize to just one copy of "Fight Club"? Can we never foresee a time when we might have argued and both want to watch Peep Show series 3 at the same time but in different rooms?
The crossover on our comedy DVDs was quite extensive and actually helped me to realise that we are a good match. We both like Fawlty Towers and the Office - surely this makes us unique and proves we are perfect soul mates. The coincidence is uncanny.
But anyone looking for a cheap comedy DVD collection should probably hang around the charity shops on Shepherd's Bush Green this week - you're in for a bonanza, my friends (NB we do not have the box set of Bonanza - well not a duplicate anyway).
But we're not total idiots, we acknowledged that despite our impossibly tuned in comedy tastes there was a chance that we might one day tire of each other (she found out that I had an Adam Sandler DVD which took some explaining- even I was surprised- it was Funny People though so it could be worse) and so I nobly stated that in the event of our love dying I would happily let her keep all the DVDs, even the ones that she hadn't had before. It made me look very chivalrous. But the joke's on my stupid wife because the DVD is already dead as a format. It's all online now, grandma. I just have to keep this marriage chugging on for about 18 months and my DVD promise will be meaningless. But in return I got her to agree that if we broke up then I get the house. It seemed like a good deal to her, all those DVDs versus one house. But in 2014 the house will be worth way more than three shelves of DVDs. I even let her have all the videos too. Ha ha. What a chump.
She did discover that I actually own two copies of the Godfather Trilogy. Which is quite impressive as I think I also have all three films of video and have never watched Godfather III in any format. So you might think I am a chump. But I wouldn't look like such a chump if there was a million pound prize for the person who could most readily watch Godfather III on three different tellies in at least two different formats would I? You have to be prepared for every eventuality.
