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It's been non-stop for the last month and I've been battling a bug and in pain from twisted muscles and cut fingers. I've got four podcast records in the next three days, with Catie's birthday in between, so I could have done with some rest and recuperation. Sadly though we had to set off early to
the Nickelodeon Adventure at Lakeside in Kent for a birthday party. I can't even tell you what lake it's beside or where in Kent it was. I just followed the sat nav.
I had thought it might be a theme park and we'd packed wellies and macs as it was pissing down. but it turned out it was all indoors in a big shopping centre.
The birthday boy was 3 so this was the perfect place for him to come. I am 57 and found a lot of it quite childish. Phoebe too was a bit too old for most of it, but it's a pretty cheap attraction and there's a couple of rides, some soft play, lots of buttons to push and a short 4D film involving the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and seats that judder and poke you pretty much at random and a jet that sprays water in your face. They didn't have enough 3D glasses for everyone and the 9 minute film had more walk outs than I've ever seen in a cinema, but it was maybe a bit too scary and weird for young kids. I stayed til the end, so they did not defeat me.
I did, however, sit in the cafe with my eyes closed for a good 30 minutes. Like my grandad useed to say I was resting my eyes, but I might have managed to catch up on some sleep. The cafe was called the Slime Cafe, but there was not slime anywhere and you couldn't even buy any slime. Phoebe wanted to complain to the manager.
I was not sure anyone was managing this place. It just existed. Like a kind of swirling vortex of Hell. Why was I being punished by Satan...? Oh yeah, fair enough.
I watched the other parents at the attraction. I am not sure any of them were as tired or as old as me, but they all looked worn down and overwhelmed. The things we do for our children and all we get is bathed in the glow of love and the slime of fear. That's why it's called the Slime Cafe.
There was a chance to meet Chase from Paw Patrol. Luckily both my kids are beyond wanting to queue up for this kind of stuff. I would have had to question Chase on the wisdom of employing dogs to run your emergency services and whether, if you do decide dogs are the best option you should then opt to employ puppies rather than adult dogs. I am sure Chase has heard it all. And he was pretending to be mute to avoid the inevitable picking apart of the many plot holes in his terrible TV show. Also I think it might just have been a teenager in a costume.
I had thought we might get home by early afternoon, but our lunch at Prezzo took about an hour to arrive and I genuinely thought I might starve to death. Has anyone ever starved to death in a restaurant. That would be very bad publicity surely and I doubt the waiters would get a tip. After having some food though I felt just about awake enough to drive everyone home. But the day was gone and I was basically ready for bed.
The birthday boy had a good time though and Ernie at least had had some fun. And York City won 4-0 so not all was lost.
