I had an audition for a short film this morning. It's a physical comedy about a man's battle with one of those practice machines at tennis courts that shoots tennis balls at you. It ends up chasing him around town, firing tennis balls at him. Obviously my tennis skills had come to the attention of the casting director, who had insisted on seeing me. Either that or she'd seen my face in the Spotlight directory of actors and decided I deserved to have my smug face pummelled by tennis balls.
As there was no dialogue I had not seen a script and been told that the audition would involve me having to act out the scenario of being attacked by a tennis ball machine. So I went in my tennis gear, figuring it would assist with me getting into character and also not inhibit movement, so I could show off my clowning skills to the maximum.
I arrived at the studios to be shown to a small room with three men already seated. One was wearing tennis gear, the other two were not. The one wearing tennis gear was relieved to see that I was wearing tennis gear too, as up til then he had clearly felt like a bit of a prat. He'd been in the minority, but now the sides were equal. All it would take would be for the next man in to be wearing tennis gear for him to be in the majority and make the other two men suddenly look like the idiots.
All of the other men currently in the room looked quite different, but were similar in the fact that they could not usually be considered the romantic lead. One was short and fat, one tall and bald and one a little bit geeky. And one of them was me.
I was handed a script and started to read. The character I was auditioning for was described as in his mid-forties, balding and fat in ill-fitting sports gear.
I didn't know whether to feel slightly insulted about being seen for this part. I am only just 37 and a half and thus barely in my late thirties. And I'm in good shape. I think I look at most 36 and a quarter. When I tell women that I meet in pubs that I am in my late thirties, some of them tell me that I actually look like someone in my mid to late thirties.
I am certainly not balding. And I am extremely slim.
Anyway the next man in to the room was very handsome, toned and fit and looked to be in his twenties and so I didn't feel so bad. Perhaps it was an old script and they were seeing a variety of people, and they might go either way - a fat, old, balding geek (the other blokes) or a young, handsome Adonis (me and the younger bloke). It would be funny in a different way with one of us two playing it, but equally as good.
Then the casting director came into the room and looked at the young chap, visibly surprised to see him. "Are you sure you're in the right room?" she asked. As if there was something that different about him that bore being remarked upon.
"I think so," he replied and said his name.
"Oh yes," she said, the penny dropping, "You're auditioning for the tennis coach aren't you?"
There was a handsome young tennis coach in the script as well.
I turned to the little bit geeky man and said, "Do you think we should be insulted that she didn't say the same thing to us?"
Having a realistic idea about his own body image I don't think he was.
A couple of young actors from Hollyoaks arrived after that. I'm not sure which part they would have been auditioning for though.
I did my audition.
I was rubbish.
I did it on purpose because I knew I wasn't the physical type they were looking for.
