I was doing my Christmas shopping today. I don't know what's got into me. I never usually do it this early. Normally it's a trip round Somerfield in Cheddar at 5pm on Christmas Eve and snaffling up whatever is left. I gave my mum a pack of frozen peas last year, though they had thawed out under the tree overnight, so were more just kind of wet peas. She was still delighted by the lurid colour of the vegetable. She is very old and lives in Somerset. It's a shame to waste proper presents on her.
But this year I am incredibly organised, trawling the shops a whole four days in advance. I had no idea at all what to get anyone though. So I expect that Somerfield will still be getting my valued custom. They see me as a right fancy-pants with my frozen pea purchases. The staff genuflect when I come in and turn a blind eye to the number of yoghurts I purchase, never even passing comment on it.
Anyway as I passed the Disney shop opposite Bond St tube I noticed a child waving at someone in the window. "It's Santa!" she declaimed.
I looked into the window and sure enough, Father Christmas himself was sitting in a fancy chair and waving back at the gullible infant.
He was just sitting there, doing nothing. He wasn't having a rest; the window display was all set up around him. He'd obviously been sitting there all day and possibly all week, doing nothing but waving and pulling faces when a child recognised him. Firstly I thought this was a bit arrogant. I was on TV in the mid to late 1990s and get recognised by up to one person a month. It would be all too easy for me to rest on my laurels and sit in a shop window, basking in my fame and wallowing in this recognition, but to be honest I'd find that an embarrassing thing to do. Sure it would make tens of people happy - "Look it's that bloke, from that thing, remember? You do, you know, what was it called?"
Or, "Hey, it's the fat stupid one from Father Ted!"
But no, I have more pride and prefer to conduct my affairs with a bit more anonymity. It's typical of Santa's arrogance that he should choose to do this self-indulgent self-publicity at Christmas time, when of course, children are more likely to recognise him. Maybe I'm cynical, but I'd be very surprised if we see him sitting there in July, when everyone has forgotten about him and his presents.
More importantly I was annoyed about this because it is Christmas time. Papa Snow has just three days to go before he has to deliver presents to everyone in the world and personally I don't think he should be spending his time lounging around in shop windows, waving at people (and trying to act all humble about being recognised- you're in a SHOP WINDOW, mate. You're not fooling anyone). He should be at the North Pole making presents and wrapping stuff up and putting it on his sleigh. Maybe he's leaving all this to his wife or elves or whatever, but I think it's disgustingly lazy.
Thirdly there is obviously some secret sponsorship deal going on here. If Father Christmas really insists on sitting in shop windows instead of working (during his only real busy period) then he should sit for an equal length of time in the windows of every shop in the world, from newsagents to butchers to sex shops. He should show no loyalty to just one enterprise. Obviously Disney have a lot of money and they've effectively bought St Nicholas this year. So much for his religious principles. He was looking pretty flabby too, which just proves how he isn't working and how he doesn't care about his priorities any more.
He makes me sick. I nearly went into the shop and punched him, but some of the younger kids had not spotted that Santa had sold out and was a lazy self-obsessed idiot and I didn't want to spoil their Christmas.
The Disney shop closes at 6pm on Christmas Eve, which will give Santa just six hours to get everything organised for his journey. My guess is that a lot fo you are going to be getting melted frozen peas this year.
Will no-one think of the children?
