I am thinking of writing a book which is solely accounts of my tube rides home from gigs. I don't know if I am just in a more heightened state of awareness or just drunk or if it's because London at midnight is a mad and messy place, but there's always something interesting to report.
I was on the Central Line on the way back to the Bush, when two pretty, tall, thin young women got on. I was on the end seat (which I would have given up to any elderly person or pregnant woman foolish enough to be out late) and they stood right next to me. They were pretty drunk and a little bit frisky and were standing very close to each other and flirting very strongly with one another. I have made no secret of my interest in the Sapphic Arts and for all this to be happening literally inches away from me was slightly exciting. And for once they looked like the kind of women that I have seen in my instructional videos, rather than the rather more realistic lesbians one generally sees around town. I suppose you would call them lipstick lesbians, though I think that possibly they were putting it all on for effect. They pretended not to notice that several people were looking at them, touching and almost kissing, but they must have known that pretty much everyone was staring at these pretty girls for one reason or another. Annoyingly I wasn't in a very good position to view the free delights on display, as I could only peek up at a slightly awkward angle, which made my interest a bit obvious, but I was also too close to really tell what was going. Not so the man with his shirt hanging out at the other end of the carriage who was staring with his tongue almost hanging out, nor the attractive, though more respectable lady who looked on with a mixture of incredulity and possibly envy. Not that there should be anything wrong or unusual about two young women flirting in public (personally I think it should be actively encouraged), though in the bright train carriage I think that anyone being so brazenly naughty would have attracted similar looks. Though the high attractiveness quotient of the participants did add an extra frisson and interest, I suppose.
I started to hope that the girls might notice me and just randomly ask me to tag along on whatever adventures they were going to have next. I know it seems unlikely. But you never know your luck. If I was two pretty young lesbians that's what I would do. Ask some random 40 year old fat, unshaven bloke who I'd never met and looked like a stary, pervy old letch to spend the night with me. It wouldn't be that much fun for me (as the two lesbian girls), but it would make the day of the dirty old man and it would give me a warm feeling to know that I had acted so charitably. Alas most two pretty young lesbian girls are a lot more selfish than I would be in their position and these two were no exception. They left giggling and laughing and one offering to give the other a piggy-back at the next station. If they were just experimenting with the shock value of exploring this side of their sexuality in public, then I was still pretty sure that they were going to follow it through in private. Which was at least a pleasant thought to preserve in the wank bank.
I laughed as the girls left, enjoying their naughtiness and brazenness and desire to shock. I caught the eye of the smartly dressed woman at the other end of the carriage and she smiled at me. We were both very aware of what the other was thinking: she saw that I was being prurient, I knew she was being slightly disapproving or jealous or shocked or probably a mixture of all three. We smiled again at our instant understanding of each other. She was attractive and looked intelligent and I wondered if this shared humour might be the start of something wonderful, but then I realised we would always look back at how we met and what brought us together and she would know I had been lusting after young lesbians and I'd know she was jealous of young lesbians and I knew that would drive us apart. What had brought us together would also destroy us.
But my attentions were soon taken by other passengers, who seemed odd in some way. A man opposite me was intently reading an Othello programme, but holding it right up close to his face and really studying it. It seemed weird. Next to him was a man in a DJ reading an FT (I wondered if he just liked things that could be abbreviated to two letters). His bow tie, I thought was comically just a little bit too big and he was also wearing a small back pack, which didn't seem to fit with his attire. I wondered if maybe he was a musician of some kind, but he had no instrument with him, unless there was a piccolo in his rucksack (in which case he was leaning agains it). It was odd that he hadn't taken his back pack off as well. And his bow tie was just ridiculous.
The attractive woman got off at Shepherd's Bush, but strode off quite quickly (perhaps to get away from the letchy lesbian watcher), so any chance of us ending up together was lost. But it's probably for the best.
I hope the girls had a good night. And to any other lipstick lesbians out there - do please think of strange 40 year old men next time you are experimenting with a friend. It's only fair.
And here it comes. I have finally done the draw for the wonderful prizes. I did this very fairly, allocating you all a number between 1 and 358 (if you donated more than £5 you got more than one number) meaning that the draw has raised an amazing £1790 plus gift aid, which is brilliant. Thanks so much. Then to make it totally fair I used a
random integer generator and that gave me the winning order. Some of you won two major prizes and the first three names all have a connection to me which is a bit weird, but it was all totally random I promise you.
Here is the list of the winners and the prizes that were allocated to them (where no choice was given or where choices had gone I made my own decision about the best prize to give)
1 Rory May (from Cheddar, can you believe it?) wins the Histor eye patch (just one entry at £7 bizarrely and he hit, whilst the guy who gave £75 didn't hit a number til about 100th place)
2 Leigh Caldwell (A previous top donator on one of the programmes, but he did donate £50 thus improving his chances of victory) - he wins a Lionel Nimrod Script
3 Dave Warburton (the "Virgin" from the Hercules show) also wins a Nimrod script
4 Mike Wilkins wins the YCCYF off-line edit DVD (I will remind him that it is copyrighted and must not be copied or posted anywhere)
5 Catherine Hemelryk wins a bundle of Just For Laughs stuff including the umbrella and directory
6 Paul J wins an Excavating Rita script
7 Sarah Grocott wins a Lee and Herring programme
8 Jen Huyton wins an I like Fist of Fun badge.
9 Jen Huyton (what are the chances?) wins a Lee and Herring Adelaide poster
10 Vik wins the FOF fat picture
11 Chris Barraclough won his first choice the hollyoaks calendar
12 Claire Bennett won a Someone Likes Yoghurt off line edit DVD
13 Mark Jones wins a TWTTIN script
14 Tim Fassam wins a Hercules DVD
15 Leigh Caldwell (again) wins a card from the Richard and Judy show
16 Ben Wissett wins a TWTTIN script
17 Lawrence H wins a Paris tour poster
18 Elusive Pimpernell wins a Milan tour poster
19 Tom Dent wins a Christ on a bike leaflet
20 Graeme Madden wins a bit of TWTTIN script for some extras we recorded this week
21 Nick Lancaster gets my Just For Laughs pass
22 Katie G gets my comic relief socks
23 Mark Denton gets my skydiving certificate
24 Jo Wilkins gets my firewalking certificate
25 Vik (again) gets my pleasance pass from 1997.
But you will all get something for every fiver you donated and I have decided to give Stephenartus and Jim Ley a signed TGP script as they donated £75 and £50 respectively yet still missed out on the top prizes.
My decision is final. As long as you have sent me your address (and have donated) you will be getting something through the post at some point in the next six months. Thanks again for all your kind donations and congratulations to the winners!
