I was meeting a friend for lunch in Ask Pizza in Chiswick. The restaurant has quite a small main section, but there were clearly tables upstairs. The downstairs section was pretty full. As I was about ten minutes late I asked if my friend might be seated upstairs, but they told me it was closed. So my friend was late too. Ha ha, I had the moral high ground. I'd make her feel guilty for this. How dare she turn up over ten minutes late. Disgusting.
I was shown to the last available table for two and ordered an orange juice.
I felt I was sitting much too close to the man on his own on my left and the pasta eating couple on my right. It made me uncomfortable, especially as there were clearly lots of empty tables upstairs.
Presumably the waiter was saving himself having to go up and down the stairs. Just about fair enough when there were still empty tables downstairs. But the tables were too close. We are human beings. When we are eating pasta and pizza we need our space.
This point was well made when the woman next to me spilt some of her sloppy pasta sauce on to the floor and it almost hit me.
She didn't apologise, though it actually hit her expensive-looking handbag, so the joke was on her.
My friend was now fifteen minutes late. That just about takes the biscuit. If I had been on time I would have been waiting for over quarter of an hour. Never mind the fact that she would have had a similar wait if she'd been on time. I made a mental note to no longer be her friend. Oh, I would be pleasant enough to her during the meal, but then she would never hear from me again.
Eventually when we were both in our eighties I would ring her and say, "Ever wonder why you didn't hear from me? Fifteen minutes! Fifteen minutes (though actually only five, but that's not the point) of my life wasted!"
Then she'd probably say, "Sorry, who are you?" Fifty years can do a lot to a person's memory.
A man then came in on his own. I have no problem with dining alone. I do it a fair amount myself, especially in pizza-based chains. There is an extrravagance and dignity in it, but it does tend to make one self-conscious (as long-term readers may remember from my Scrabble based adventure in Pizza Express a good few months back).
The man looked around the packed, tiny restaurant uncomfortably. By now there was just one l;arge table left empty.
"Can I go upstairs?" he requested.
"Sorry, upstairs is shut," said the lazy waiter (which is better than being a dumb waiter).
The man visibly flailed. If he stayed he would have to sit on a table set for five. This would accentuate the fact that he was alone and would make him look foolish. This was obvious to me, a casual observer, but the waiter did not seem to register.
The man took one step forward, then halted, reconsidered and grumpily (and correctly) said "Oh forget it". He stomped out the restaurant and crossed the street, heading, I'm guessing, for the Pizza Express across the road, who I'm sure would not be so indelicate.
Perhaps it is not financially viable for the restaurant to emply a second waiter to deal with the upstairs section on a Wednesday lunchtime, but Ask have lost at least one customer thanks to this policy and I would have felt a lot more comfortable if I'd been given a bit more space.
Given they probably pay staff about 4.50 an hour and that they make about 8 pounds on every pizza, it seems to me that they've already lost out, due to their intransigence.
An arrogant display of confidence, especially given the proximity of the far superior Pizza Express. Is it called Ask because you can ask, but noone's going to pay any attention?
My "friend" arrived about two minutes later. She had some poor excuse about having had an argument with her boyfriend. Is that more important than lunch with me? I ask you. I Ask you. Is it?
I smiled and greeted her enthusiastically. It's been a while since I've seen her. Little does she know that it will be a greater while til she sees me again. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha...oh.
