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I may be overdoing it at the moment. I fell asleep at my desk at about 5 as I struggled to get next week's AIOTM script into shape. But I couldn't go to bed until it was nearly done because I won't have a chance to look at it again until Wednesday (and I also need to get an audio script together). On the plus side I think I have come up with some funny bits. On the negative side I have to try and learn them for the record. And I am filming all day tomorrow and need to do research for Monday's RHLSTP and sort out all the guests for future RHLSTPs. And try and get started on my actual paid work and write my Radio 4 sitcom.
Not complaining though. It's great to be in a position to be my own boss and do the shows I want to do. As long as they don't destroy me.
I got to hang out with my daughter this morning, taking the early shift and then accompanying her to Little Gym. She has a new toy which is a plastic tea set which she adores. I had to spend quite a lot of time pretending to pour and drink tea. Which seems an odd game for a toddler to want to play, not just because they don't drink tea, but also because a lot of their time is taken up with actually drinking liquid from plastic cups. I mean that's essentially their job. Why do they want to pretend to do that in their down time? It's fucking adorable obviously, especially the glugging sound she makes as she pours her imaginary tea. What's wrong with you, you idiot. Grow up.
I worry that I am a terrible parent with no authority because whenever I take Phoebe to any group activity she pretty much refuses to participate and runs off to do her own thing. I should be able to command her to sit down. But some Cnut has a better chance of commanding the tide not to come in.
And I like it. She’s the first to get bored of the boring bits and run off and do her own thing and then one by one the other kids realise they can be free of the tyranny of conformity too. She’s a leader. Or a terrible idiot. But these days you can be both. Though I fear she just doesn’t like being in a group if she's not being the centre of attention. Another comedian is all this family needs.
But if the group activity was interesting she’d take part, so she rather grudgingly queued to have a go at hanging off some suspended rings. It seems impossible that someone so tiny could do that without her arms falling off. But she hung on and swung back and forth three times before slipping to the ground and then running off to do something else as if this was the most natural thing in the world. She still has no fear - had I been placed in a similar situation even today and been asked to swing on some rings in front of other people I would have been afraid I’d make an idiot of myself and nervous that my arms might fall off.
Being a toddler is a fine time in life though and maybe when you are perfectly who you are - too young to have learned manners and only really concerned with yourself, so any kind gesture or act of real friendship is genuine. Phoebe had a few stand offs with other kids who were bold enough to want to use the same equipment as her, and one boy was lying across a little slope she wanted to forward roll down and she was frustrated. She tried to kick him and I told her that was rude, so she patted him on the arm kindly and he immediately moved across. And then Phoebe rolled past him and they lay next to each other, laughing and suddenly the best of friends.
I can’t get over how much fun and how illuminating it is to see a human being grow into themselves. I sometimes feel that any attempts I am making to ensure she is a decent human being are as effective as trying to mould a statue out of water. My main problem is I like her independence and waywardness. Should I be trying to steer her away from that? Maybe a little tiny bit. But I am proud she wants to do the fun stuff and not the stupid group activities.
