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My life has some strange twists and turns. Because I wrote about wanting to become romantically entangled with Funella from the Furchester Hotel in the Metro, I was subsequently invited to have a tour of the studios. Sending out something of a mixed message, they asked me to bring my family. As if this was all for the benefit of my daughter.
The show is filmed in Salford, so it was a very long day of driving in return for two hours at CBeebies. But it was totally worth it. We were welcomed with furry arms! Apart from by Fergus, who seemed to be cross with me and I think whispered to me that he would cut my throat, but maybe I imagined that!
We had watched Furchester Hotel this morning and I'd tried to tell Phoebe that we were going there today, but it was hard to make her understand. But of course, she's still too young to know that that is a remarkable thing or that it's unusual to actually meet people/puppets off the TV. So she was pretty cool about the whole thing. I think she recognised a lot of the characters she saw, but she sees them every day on TV, so what's the big deal? We could all learn a lot from her.
Given that I had essentially acted like a nationally syndicated sex pest, everyone was extremely welcoming. And I think they knew that this was more for me than my daughter. But Phoebe did have a brilliant time. This is as close to getting to go into Willy Wonka's chocolate factory as you can get in the real world - and I am sure there are traps and terrible ends for any bad children who get to go through these doors (so I was justifiably terrified).
I am not allowed to give too much away, but it was really fascinating getting to go on the amazing and expensive looking Furchester Hotel set. Whilst I look around wide-eyed at the behind-the-scenes secrets, Phoebe became entrances by a Henry Hoover on the studio floor. We were surrounded by all sorts of wonder, but she couldn't get over the vacuum cleaner. “We've got one of those at home,†I told her, but that didn't bother her. It certainly made the four hour drive worthwhile.
The first surprise for me was that the puppets are not operated by human beings as I expected, but are all living creatures, presumably mutated in some kind of nuclear accident. In real life Funella nd Fergus turn out to be interesting characters, prepared to call my bluff and probably a lot more perverse than I am. I suspect their marriage is a sham and they are staying together for the sake of their business and their daughter. We'd tried to let Phoebe know she had to be quiet as they were filming as we came in and sweetly she spent most of the trip putting her finger to her mouth and saying “Shush†before then loudly shouting for her mummy. She was a little bit reticent to meet the Muppets and Fergus, definitely the scariest one, was the first to say hello. Phoebe backed away in fear, but gradually came forward to shake his furry paw. Funella (just as sexy in real life as she is on screen) was very kind and gentle and although Phoebe wobbled a little bit, she went in for a hug and then blew Funella kisses. The team were surprisingly chuffed by my scurrilous article and seemed pleased to meet me. Astonishingly they film an entire episode in a day. I suppose the BBC are happy to work them hard because they are made out of cloth.
My curious daughter was having fun exploring and I was having to chase after her to stop her destroying expensive equipment. But what fun to see a bit of an episode recorded. And we were given one of Cookie Monster's crushable cookies as a souvenir. I was told not to eat it, which was a shame as although it contained elements of plastic it smelled really delicious.
Then we were taken around some of the other studios. We got to go to the Bedtime Story studio where I was hoping against hope that I might meet Rebecca and she'd fall in love with me and I could ditch my family for a new life with her. But pre-warned is pre-armed and they had clearly quickly spirited her and Robert the Robot away so I could get nowhere near them.
Ben was just as charming and kind as he appears on screen and when I told him of my fascination for Rebecca he agreed that she was one of the loveliest people in the world and said he'd tell her that I'd been asking after her. Phoebe raced around playing with all the toys on the shelves.
We then came back down to the other studios where there was talk that we might be able to meet Justin. Phoebe loves Mr Tumble so I was interested to see if she'd do her nut if she met him. We had to wait for quite a while in a corridor to meet this superstar, who everyone was talking about in hushed tones, quite rightly. Eventually Justin emerged and said hello. Phoebe smiled at him, but kept her cool, but then fell over, as if attempting to give Justin some new moves to try out. That's just embarrassing, trying to out-slapstick the master. Justin was clearly working very hard and was a bit frazzled, so it was extremely nice for him to make time for us. It was like meeting a Hollywood film star. We saw a bit of the Justin's House set and then he had to shoot off again. I feel sorry for him (as sorry as I can for a multi-millionaire). It must be really tough to be so recognisable to every child in the country and always have to be on and fun and funny. Also is he able to enjoy the normal parts of fatherhood with his own kids without being mobbed?
We then headed back to the Hotel set to get our photo with the Furchester team. Funella nibbled my ear. I was right about her. Totally up for it. It was so overwhelming that I scarcely realised that we were also meeting Elmo and my own personal favourite, “The Cookie Monsterâ€.
What a crazy and brilliant day. I wonder if Phoebe will remember it.
We didn't get home until 8.45, so it was a late night and a tiring day for us all. But what an incredible experience that was. And an inspiration to all sex pests to never give up!
