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Bit hungover today because I had TWO drinks to celebrate the completion of episode 1 of AIOTM last night. But luckily I was going to be spending most of the day sat waiting to film a part in a TV short film, so it didn’t really matter that I was tired and coming down off my crazy small amount of alcohol and adrenaline high. Most of acting is waiting and I’d been called in much too early, but it was OK. I was sat in a garden and there was some food and sweets and I enjoyed the autumn sunshine, though wished I wasn’t in my costume so I could lie down on the grass and snooze.
Unusually I wasn’t playing a man who was about to have sex with a prostitute or a toaster, but a respectable deputy headmaster. The only way I could possibly get through this was to imagine that he was about to go to a prostitute as soon as the scene was over. When you see it I hope you will spot the sense of sexually charge impatience. I said I was happy to shave to make myself look more respectable, but the make up person said it would be better if I kept my moustache. She was right. It made me look as creepy as fuck. In fact it made me look like someone who would have sex with a toaster or a prostitute, or probably both at once.
I have never been a fan of the moustache. The only time I’ve had one was for that year when I emulated Hitler (by growing his moustache, not in any other way). So it was fun to pretend to be a moustachioed man for the afternoon. There was something of the Des Lynham about me. I wondered if I should keep it. The ladies couldn’t’ stop staring at me. With a look of lust on their face. It’s been a while since i have seen a lustful look: it’s when they screw up their nose, purse their lips a bit and laugh isn’t it?
I was playing a deputy headmaster, which gave me a bit of a glimpse into the alternate direction my life would have taken had I been more sensible and taken the obvious path available to me. I would have been a moustachioed teacher who had risen to the second highest attainable position, who made up for the formality of his life by secretly visiting prostitutes after trick or treating with his son. And I would have had a moustache that made me look my age. I would have been happy. Especially when having sex with the prostitutes. And toasters.
Ross Noble had written this script and was starring in it and directing it. so he was pretty busy, but we did get to sit down and have a chat at “lunchtime” which came at 4.30pm and he told some funny stories about Gazza trying to talk down Raoul Moat. We wondered what would have happened had the police allowed a refreshed Gazza through their cordon with his fishing rods and chicken. How the surreal sight of Gazza approaching you at that time would surely be disarming. And had Gazza not been killed by the madman and successfully brought the situation to a peaceful conclusion, what effect that might have had on Gazza’s life. He might have been sent into all kinds of situations, which he would successfully have diffused, until he chanced across a part of the world where he wasn’t famous. He’d have blundered in full of bon homie, been over familiar and then been shot to death. Such is the nature of fame. It’s a weird invisible talisman or ever suit of armour, but if you chance across someone who is unaware that you are renowned, you’re just another bloke in false breasts with a fishing rod. And subsequently must be killed.
With indecent haste, the audio extra episode is already up on the British Comedy Guide and iTunes. Spread the word. Hope you like it. This is NOT the proper episode. Just something I tossed off for fun. Because I didn’t have enough to do at the weekend.
