Back on the Andrew Collings show for the new year and the Sunday papers full of the usual titillation, mean-spiritedness and lies. Lucky for me as all that stuff is all very easy to take the piss out of.
Jayne Middlemiss was on the front of two of the tabloid magazines on one claiming that she didn't need a man, but on the other saying she misses sex but just doesn't have the time for it. I wondered if it was really possible not to have time for sex, as well as offering on air to have sex with Jayne if she so wished, adding that I was very quick and that we could probably have the whole thing done from start to finish in one minute. I never thought that skill would come in useful, but suddenly I realise that my sexual inadequacies make me the perfect partner for a host of busy, yet attractive go-getting women. I am pretty sure I could get the deed over whilst Jayne was doing something else and we discussed the possibility of me for example doing her during the photo sessions she had for these magazines. If they framed the shot so it was just the top half of her body then I could be out of sight doing my evil business and no-one would be any the wiser. Or we could just make use of the time when the photographer is changing the film or setting up the shot. That's the thing that makes Jayne's claims a little hard to believe. I have worked as a TV presenter and the thing is you really have loads of time sitting around doing nothing waiting for everyone else to do the proper work. If she really wanted to have sex then I am sure she could arrange for some gigolo or premature ejaculating comedian to come to her dressing room and sort out her needs.
It does seem weird that Jayne doesn't have time for sex even outside of work. I know people in TV think they work hard, but most of them seem to really only work for about two hours a day and I can't believe that Jayne Middlemas of all people is more busy than the others. Ben Elton manages to write a film, a book,a sit-com and a rubbish musical based on some crappy band every single month of the year and yet he has still fathered children and someone like Tony Blairs has a very demanding job and is quite old and he's still banging out the sprogs every nine months.
It strikes me that manish Jayne Middlemiss is lying to us (if only she'd said "as a matter of fact" in the sentence then I could have been sure of this, but she's cleverer than Kennedy) and that like the ex-leader of the liberals we will soon find out that the lady doth protest too much. My guess is (based purely on conjecture) Middlemiss is a sex addict who indulges her wicked vice ever five minutes and has difficulty pulling herself away from her harem of men to poorly present the behind the scenes coverage at the British comedy awards (or whatever she is poorly presenting this week). In which case Jayne (if you are reading this, and I am sure if anyone looks up themselves on google it is you, so hello) I am available and will take up very little time in your busy schedule.
Similarly I saw Pete Burns on Celebrity Big Brother defending himself against the anger of the other housemates for wearing a gorilla fur coat by saying something along the lines of that he might agree with them about it being cruel to wear fur, but he hadn't had time to think about it. This is another man who I would be surprised to find was so busy that he couldn't spend fifteen minutes at some point in his life to consider this issue. And even if he was so busy that this was not possible, he is now in the Big Brother house for three weeks with nothing to do and the issue has come up, so why doesn't he think about it now? He hasn't got time to think about whether wearing gorilla fur is a bad thing, but he has time to appear on Big Brother?
Jayne and Pete, my advice to you is to make some time for these important issues. Perhaps you could consolidate these two issues and have sex with each other whilst Jayne lectures Pete on the reasons why wearing fur is bad. If you televised the interview then you would both still be in the media spotlight and so not wasting any of your valuable time doing something trivial or pointless.
