Reader Paul Coupe was kind enough to send me this image of my latest secret girlfriend that he had seen on www.b3ta.com. As you can see someone has drawn a cartoon phallus apparently coming out of her trousers and added the witty epithet, "I like dinosaur cocks".
As Paul rightly points out this person is taking liberties with the woman I love and if I find out who it was I will have to sort them out good and proper. Even though in my heart I am having doubts about my love for this woman. When I fell for her I thought she was just an ordinary member of the public who (like me) really liked Marks and Spencers, but many of you have sent me emails stating that she is a French model who is married to a footballer (how can she be so brazen as to try and lure in other men like me when she is already spoken for). If this is true, it appears she is only doing these adverts for the money which puts me off her somewhat.
And now added to the rumour mill is the suggestion that she likes dinosaur cocks. It would be a weird accusation to make were there not at least some truth in it. How many women do you know who like the cocks of a long extinct species? What kind of a mind could make such a thing up?
If my secret girlfriend does like dinosaur cocks then imagine what a sad and lonely love life she must have. The only way that she could satisfy her sexual urges would be to possibly have sex with one of those frozen mammoths, but in her heart she would know that although the animal was extinct for thousands of years, it was still a mammal and hardly qualified as a dinosaur on any but the most false level.
Of course the creator of the graffito might be suggesting that my secret girlfriend actually enjoys gargantuan penises, though I think they might be making an incorrect presumption. I am not sure anyone knows how big the dinosaur cock was (if dinosaurs even had penises at all - I am not sure how lizards reproduce and they possibly use their cloacas like their bird cousins). I think there is every chance that if a dinosaur had a cock that it would be a small one, in the same way that their brains were the size of a walnut (it surely follows they had cocks the size of a peanut).As we have previously discussed King Kong may be large, but his penis would be smaller than the average humans.
Even if a dinosaur had a big penis then I am not sure it would be attractive to a human being. It would probably be green and all slimy and might well shoot fire. Perhaps my secret nameless girlfriend has experimented with all forms of sexual deviation amongst humans and living animals and can now only be satiated with a dinosaur cock (perhaps that has somehow been preserved in some amber and will be extracted by Dickie Attenborough - now that would make a good movie - Jurassex Park).
Luckily for my secret girlfriend my cock is gargantuan and green and scaly and shoots something that might be mistaken for fire by someone with no sense of sight, touch or smell. Or hearing. Or taste. If you have all your senses it might more closely resemble the stuff that comes out of a fire extinguisher - which makes me the perfect wanking opponent to any pyromaniac onanistic pterodactyl that might stray into the modern world.
Paul wonders if it might just mean that she likes very old (and possibly largely redundant) genitalia, in which case I will be laughing as well.
But top graffiti skills anyway. It's on a par with the person who has graffitied on the latest Scrubs poster on Shepherd's Bush tube. The main character is holding out one of those little wooden things that doctors put on your tongue when they're looking in your mouth (I don't know what they're called, but the thing from yesterday was a bike's front forks). You know, it looks like a lolly stick (which slighty blows the joke). A wag had added "Where's my Lolly?" on to this stick, but has taken the trouble to make the writing be at the correct angle. I like it when people take the trouble to make their graffiti look good.
