The "Be a winner, not a sinner" man who used to "preach" to the unconverted at Oxford Circus seems to have moved to Hammersmith. I know that a few months ago a court order managed to evict him from his pitch outside Nike Town, but this has not stopped him trying to spread the good news through a megaphone. He has decamped to the Hammersmith roundabout. Being a regular visitor to this part of town I have seen him on several occasions now and he's starting to really, really get on my nerves. When he was at Oxford Circus I would only see him once a month at most, but now my exposure to his inane and mental religious theories is almost daily I am being driven to thoughts of violence. I am sure I am not the only one. Most people who pass by Hammersmith roundabout probably do so on a daily basis, whilst at Oxford Circus he would have had a high proportion of passersby and tourists who did not have to listen to him saying the same thing over and over again every day. But when you work in an area or live there and there's a man constantly badgering you to believe what he believes and telling you that your life is a facade built on lies, it can become a bit frustrating and you imagine what it would feel like to go up to him, grab the megaphone and stick it up his arse, whilst shouting "Look, I'm a sinner and a winner" into his large intestine.
It's not a nice thing. He is clearly a man who has had a mental breakdown of some kind. His entire demeanour, his constantly tapping foot, his vacant, staring eyes would tell you this, if the fact he was on this insane mission to annoy everyone in the world didn't give it away first.
In kinder moments I want to go up to him and say, "You know that what you're doing is actually having a negative effect. That far from making people reconsider their lives and turn to Jesus, you're making them angry and irritated and more likely to think, "Oh yeah, sure, if believing in Jesus makes me like you then tell me where to sign." I know you mean well, but maybe you should try and think of a less confrontational way to spread the message, or alternatively just spend your time doing good things for people. Maybe somewhere a long way away."
In the interim moments I think of approaching him and saying, "Hey, mate," (I could probably find out his name, which would make this more impressive) "I have been sent to you from Jesus. He says that he's really pleased with all the work you have been doing on his behalf and it's really been a big help, but he says if you really love him and want to do what he wants then he says you should go to a desert somewhere and sit on top of a pillar for thirty years like
Simon Stylites and not say anything at all. That is his wish and so it must be shall."
Today as he banged on about the concept that, "the truth will set you free", I began to wonder if he should apply this to himself. If he realised the truth - at least that what he is doing is self-defeating, he's unlikely to agree with me that the truth is also that Jesus was not a God - then he himself would be freed from this strange and monotonous life and cajoling strangers through amplified sound equipment. I know last time I wrote about him that the rivalry with the other speaker might make a good film, but today I thought of another idea, where someone (perhaps a person who was equally mental, but an atheist - I don't know who this character would be based on) who was getting increasingly annoyed with the mega-phone-lomaniac might finally break down and kidnap him and keep him locked in his cellar, shouting at him through an intercom about his own beliefs, until he converted him to what he thought. He would tell him that once he'd accepted what he was being told that he would be released - the truth will set you free.
If I weren't a writer I might actually have to go ahead with that plan, to assuage the demons that are telling me to give this irritant a good kicking, but because this is how I make my living I can let out my own frustrations by just imagining what I happened if I did that. Plus I don't really want him in my house, shouting at me about Jesus all the time. He'd only see it as some kind of test, the idiot.
But who is the real madman? It is both of us.
WIN A PSP
November quiz - Question 19 - update! Yesterday I asked you how many hits Warming Up would get in a 24 hour period, but I was watching TV at the appointed time, so the new question is how many hits did the blog get between 11.43am on the 20th and 12.59pm on the 21st
Question 20
According to the twisted world of Warming Up, which comedian is celebrated by the people of Italy who hang out multi-coloured bunting from their windows, emblazoned with his name?
OTHER NEWS - In case you don't know, my erstwhile double act partner, Stewart Lee's latest DVD "90s Comedian" has just been released and can be purchased only from him at gigs or from
the "go faster stripe" website.
This is the same company that will be producing my DVDs over the next year, so please support them now, as if Stew's DVD is the success it deserves to be then the company will succeed and put out even more great shows from other comedians.
