I thought the box lady had been quiet.
But on returning from a pleasurable evening with my friend and CNPS loser Emma Kennedy (we saw Hank Azaria in real life ﾃや and Matthew Perry, not as impressive, though it didn't take us half an hour to work out why we knew him, like it did with Hank), I found a hand-delivered card in my mail box.
It said ﾃや弋o our new neighbourﾃや on it. ﾃや廣h, how sweet,ﾃや I thought, in my mildly inebriated state. After the whole piano fiasco the locals are trying to make me feel welcome. Then I read the card and realised who it was from. It said,
ﾃや廛ear new neighbourﾃや (she hasnﾃや冲 bothered to find out my name in our previous conversations, thatﾃや冱 how obsessed with the boxes she is. The boxes are all she sees, all she hears, all she wants. Itﾃや冱 clear from the outset that she isnﾃや冲 interested in me, or in welcoming me to the area. She just wants me for my boxes.)
ﾃや弩elcome to X Street!ﾃや (I have disguised the identity of my address, so donﾃや冲 look up the road in the A-Z or expect superheroes to be my neighbours.)
ﾃや廬 hope you will enjoy it here as well as in your new home.ﾃや (No you don't. Stop flannelling, get to the point. Itﾃや冱 boxes that youﾃや决e interested in. So box on Box-o.)
ﾃや廣s I have already told you we are moving to Kent...ﾃや (actually you havenﾃや冲 told me that. Youﾃや况e told me youﾃや决e moving and that you want my boxes and have totally failed to listen every time Iﾃや况e told you that theyﾃや决e not my boxes and that you have to ring the removal man to get them and that when, and only when, he rings me to say itﾃや冱 OK, will I let you have them.)
ﾃや愿やｦ.and would be grateful if you would give me a ring on 020 8xxx xxx3ﾃやｦ.ﾃや (I canﾃや冲 tell you how tempted I am to give you the number, but Iﾃや况e left the final digit to give you a shot at guessing it.)
ﾃや愿やｦ.when you wish me to come round and collect those boxes. Lily. 89 X St (Top Bell)ﾃや
Is she really this stupid? I donﾃや冲 wish for her to come round and get them. I will allow her to come round and get them if I hear she has stumped up the cash that the owner of the boxes wants, but she seems determined to try and ignore all the conditions of box transferral that have been clearly spelt out to her on two separate occasions. She obviously understands English -her card is grammatically correct, her spelling is excellent, her composition slightly pedestrian ﾃや so why canﾃや冲 she understand it when I tell her she has to ring the removal man if she wants the boxes? Why is she sending cards to me, pretending to welcome me to the area? How long will this Hell continue? I am trapped in the middle here. The removal man doesnﾃや冲 care. Iﾃや况e already paid him for the boxes (though he still owns them as apparently that money was just rent) and he either ends up with his boxes back or 50 or 60 quid. What do I get for this weekly psychological torture and pestering.
Clearly Lily resents me (thereﾃや冱 a 9 in her telephone number too. And a 0). Clearly she still thinks I am deliberately keeping the boxes from her out of spite, or because I want a house full of empty boxes. I can see this whole thing boiling over into a bitter feud, possibly like that one on the news last week with the neighbours who argued over a fence and one of them ended up shot dead. Are a few dozen boxes worth a manﾃや冱 life?
I am thinking of arranging the boxes in a stack in the middle of X Street tomorrow and ringing on Lilyﾃや冱 door bell (I know where she lives and which bell to ring) and the setting the cardboard pyramid alight.
And atop the heap shall be an effigy of her, with her fingers in her ears and a sign (made of a torn up box) saying, ﾃや廬 am Lily, the box obsessed box-lover, I like boxes more than life itself.ﾃや I will declare the 18th June a new Guy Fawkes Day. No, let us call it a new Boxing Day. Letﾃや冱 make it a tradition to burn all the spare boxes we have, just to annoy this potentially murderous, free-loading box-coveter, who wonﾃや冲 even pay the requisite amount for the boxes she desires so much.
And as she watches her precious boxes burn, possibly scampering around the periphery trying to rescue the less singed boxes I will say, ﾃや廴y name is Richard.ﾃや
But Lily wonﾃや冲 hear.
I fear that this card will not be the end of this.
