Odd start to the day as I walked back from the newsagent and noticed that someone had stolen my dust bin. This is a big surprise, as it wasn't the swankiest of garbage cans. It had no lid, had a big crack down the side and was pretty dirty and stinky. I kept meaning to give it a clean, but never got round to it and so the congealed seepings mixed with stray bits of rubbish were stuck fairly firmly to the bottom.
But apparently someone came down the road, saw the bin and thought "Mmmmm, that's just what I've been looking for" and they were gone. Next door has two slightly nicer cheap black plastic bins (similar to mine, but complete with lids) and if you were going to commit a crime, why not take a bin that is complete and unbroken and owned by someone who has cared for it in some way?
I couldn't even blame a deranged fan or investigative journalist as the bin (aside from the primordial soup at the bottom) was empty. The bin men came on Monday - and this wasn't a case of it being left in the street and having got put back in the wrong house accidentally. And it couldn't have been blown out of the space it was in. Someone had taken it. Maybe to set on fire on a piece of waste ground. Or to be wrapped up as a Christmas gift for an unpopular relative. Or maybe bin fairies had taken it away to be cleaned for me.
Whatever the case I could only feel pity for the thief. If he'd rung my doorbell I would probably have paid him to take it away for me. I didn't feel bereft and bereaved like I did when a thief had taken my iPhone, just bemused. I am not sure I even really need to get a replacement. I can just put my tied up bags in the space where the bin was. They were not particularly protected from foxes and vermin by the bin in any case.
I fulfilled one of my ambitions tonight, when I played the Hammersmith Apollo. I have only sat in the audience before, so it was great to step out on that stage, in only for 10 minutes in a charity gig for Friends of the Earth. There were over 2000 people in too, which I think probably makes it the biggest audience I have ever performed in front of. I had to go on first as I was heading up to Islington to appear in another charity gig, this time for Amnesty International. I do an awful lot of work for charity, but hate to talk about it. Most of the comedians tonight would be only doing one charity gig because they don't really care, but I was doing two. In show one I would save the planet Earth and then having done that I would move on, more specifically to concentrate on Burma.
The Apollo gig was a lot of fun. I didn't feel nervous at all, which is unusual for these massive gigs and although I worried my stuff would be a bit too full on for so soon in the evening. But it went fine. It must be amazing to play to that many people on a regular basis, especially if they have come just to see you. No wonder most successful comedians go mental. If you want to see me on my return to the venue (you play the Hammersmith Apollo twice in your career, once on the way up and once on the way down - will enjoy the next month) at
the Nine Lessons and Carols for Godless People gig, which has a rather astonishing line up.
Funnily enough the audience in Islington where I closed, were less ready for my crudity and it didn't go all that well. But it was hard to go from that massive theatre to a more regular sized gig.
Later, after returning to Hammersmith for a post show drink, I was walking home at about 1.30am when I saw my enemy Ceith Allen standing smoking outside Belushi's. He looked at me, but don't know if he knew who I was or what I'd said about him and actually felt a bit sorry for him, imagining him getting pissed every single night after appearing in the Comedians and ending up in Belushi's. But maybe this was just a one off. Maybe. Though some of my fellow performers popped in for one more drink, the presence of my enemy encouraged me to walk on home.
