I woke up stupidly early and couldn't get back to sleep, a bit like Christmas, except today was likely to be filled with nothing but unpleasantness. A bit like Christmas.
I got up and tried to do some more reading, but was too distracted. I practiced doing general knowledge questions off some Trivial Pursuit cards, but found my brain was sluggish and tired. One question was "Who was Jon Voight's famous actress daughter?" I completely knew exactly who this was and could picture her and name her husband, but her name just wasn't coming to mind. After about three minutes I recalled that it was Angelina Jolie, but if it was taking me that long to name one of the most famous women in the world, then it wasn't looking good for a high score in the second round.
After lunch I walked up to TV Centre where I met my fellow contestants, Mark Lawrenson, Hilary Kay from the Antiques Roadshow and Samantha Giles from Emmerdale and Hollyoaks. They all seemed reasonably relaxed and friendly. I think all of us just wanted to get through this without scoring under 10 points and weren't thinking about the win, though Lawro was doing Preston North End as his subject and Hilary Kay was doing the life of Wedgewood (I think) which seemed a little close to their actual jobs to me. I hoped that my usually quite good general knowledge might give me the edge as Russian names were drifting out of my mind. What was the name of the priest who started out as Rasputin's friend but became his enemy - not Hermogen, the other one? Shit.
But there was a trophy and everything and as you all know I don't really have much to speak of in my trophy cabinet. Perhaps I would finally have an official award to add to my much-loved Andover Fist. But if I couldn't win then at least I had to beat Stewart Lee's score. Though I didn't know how many that was. I have since been informed it was 26. Which isn't too bad. But it's beatable. You'd think.
But I also just wanted to get anything right at all.
There was a lot of waiting around before we were in the studio and it was oddly chilling to see the chair in situ. As always it was surprising to see how small the studio was. It looks much bigger on TV. I am constantly wrong footed by this.
And then the surreal circumstance of hearing the opening music (which I had been singing all morning, much to my girlfriend's annoyance) as I actually sat on the set. Samantha broke down into a fit of giggles at the loopiness of it all and I understood why. She was going up first, which was extra nerve-wracking. I was second.
Obviously I can't ruin the programme for you and tell you what happened, but it's a very exciting episode, with just the right amount of triumph and disaster to satisfy the most ardent of fans. I don't let you down - but is that because I am brilliant, or because I am shit or because I am satisfyingly not quite good enough? Only you can decide. All I can tell you is that Stewart Lee had been on this edition he would have been a good way away from winning a prize.
But I will give a couple of details. Weirdly both the name of Rasputin's road and the name of that monk who I had become confused about did come up and my mind went blank on the road despite all my Gok Wan memory aids. In the general knowledge, more impressively, I managed to say "Fuck" under my breath (to the amusement at least of my fellow contestants) when I was asked what town was situated at the mouth of the Wear and for some reason said Newcastle instead of Sunderland. I knew that I had just managed to piss off everyone in both those towns as well as my parents who wouldn't believe I had made such an error about the part of the country where they grew up. But it's tough. I lost track of another fairly easy question and had to pass on it - though that was my only pass.
I certainly didn't disgrace myself, but you're going to have to wait til Christmas to find out what happened. If I am a winner or a loser and whether I have bragging rights over Lee with all his awards and his Celebrity Mastermind trophy.
