I'd had a suit in at the drycleaners. I wear suits now. Because I am grown up. Haven't you noticed?
The drycleaners had put a little paper cover over the top of the suit, presumably to protect it, or at least give that appearance - it's already under polythene. But on the cover I noticed it reads - "We love our customers."
Actually it doesn't quite say that, but I think that's what it means. It actually has a picture of a heart instead of the word "love". The only other possible meaning is that they are threatening to remove the hearts from anyone that uses their service. I am 99% certain that they are going for love there.
Is the idea of love getting devalued? The men who work in the store seem perfectly pleasant and they've cleaned my suits three or four times for me in the last couple of months, but I have never really got any indication off them that their feelings were any deeper than being glad I was there, providing them with some money and work. Perhaps they have both been to shy to tell me of their true feelings and come up with this paper cover - it's certainly the first time there has been a message on my clothing.
But if that was the case then surely it wouldn't say "customers". It would say, "We love you, our favourite customer". Or "We love you, Mr Herring" (as I have told them my name). Perhaps they didn't want to freak me out straight away so made it look like this is a message that everyone gets. Perhaps the messages will become more direct each time I go in.
But if, as I think they're trying to imply, they actually love all of their customers then that doesn't really mean anything at all, does it? All they are telling me is that they love anyone who happens to get their dry-cleaning done in their store, in which case that doesn't make me special. They will literally love anyone who pays them money. They are nothing more than clothes cleaning prostitutes. I don't think they even do really love any of us. I think they're just saying that thinking that it will make us come back. But if anything they're coming off a bit needy.
And if they do really love me then I am not sure I want them dealing with my dirty clothes. I mean I love Amy Pond, and if she gave me a bag containing her dirty clothing then I would do all manner of disgraceful things to it. Even if it was then drycleaned I don't think Amy Pond would be happy to know what unguents had spilled upon her delicates. Nor do I think that she would like it if I added insult to injury by putting a love note on top of the soiled (but now clean) clothing.
Maybe I should put these men to the test. I should head back to the shop with the piece of paper, saying, "I found this note in my dry-cleaning. Thank goodness you were brave enough to do this, because coincidentally I love both of you as well. And I don't mind if you wank in my clothes before you clean them. To be honest you can wank on them a bit after they're clean if I am in them. What do you think?"
But what if that was all part of their plan. I'd have to go along with it. It doesn't bear thinking about.
Love is a rare and important (and probably imaginary) thing and I don't think dry cleaners should be using it this way (even in its less serious heart-based form) to try and get more work. "We appreciate your custom" would be an OK thing to put. Though there is no way to demonstrate appreciation in a cartoon symbol.
Let us save love for times we really need it. When we're trying to persuade someone to have sex with us. Or to buy us some nice presents. Or to give us free drycleaning for life.
