I took some pictures of the statues at Hammersmith roundabout today, so you could see if my poohing theory was correct. I wanted to get the statues from the front and the back and I felt it was also important that I got a close up of the pesticles, so you could see if my theories were correct.
Although taking the shot of the whole statue from the front did not seem that peculiar thing to do, I must admit that when I came in closer to specifically target the genital regions of these jubillant metal men, I did start to feel a bit self conscious. I had to stand very close and there was no way of pretending that I was doing anything else than what it appeared like. I was taking a picture of the deformed genitalia of a statue.
I hurried to get the snap which just meant that I bodged the job and had to do it again. I could feel the cold, hard stares of the Hammersmith commuters piercing the back of my head.
I felt like shouting out to them all, "No, it's not what it looks like. I am just taking a close up photo of the genitals of this statue in order to demonstrate to the people who read my website that from behind this crouching statue appears to be defecating. I need the photos from the front for the purposes of context."
But then I reasoned that shouting that at no-one in particular might draw attention to what I was doing and possibly make me look weirder than just being someone who wanted a photo of a metal knob.
I became even more self-conscious when I thought what this would look like if anyone recognised me. They would have said to their mate, "There's that Richard Herring, the bloke who has spent 18 months writing about and talking about nothing but cocks. I wonder what he's up to.....oh...oh dear.... he seems to be taking a close up picture of the penis of that statue...."
"Yeah, well it's probably to do with research for his book or something."
"No, I happen to know that his book has already been printed and is available in all good bookshops from the 9th October 2003. In fact I seem to remember reading somewhere that Herring said he was glad it was all over because he never wanted to write about or think about cocks ever again."
"And yet there he is, taking a close up photo of a penis, for what can only be his own pleasure. He is peculiar."
"You're right mate, and something in his eyes tells me that far from never writing about cocks again, he is going to write about them later on when he mentions this incident and the things he correctly imagines we are saying in his on-line diary, which I have never read, otherwise I would be able to work out the supposed real reason for him taking the photos. I am glad I haven't ever read that though, because it makes the situation much more embarrassing for him."
"You're right. You know what. He wants the moon on a stick that bloke! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha. Why aren't you joining in with me laughing at that? Ha ha ha."
"Because your use of the archaic catchphrase is incorrect. You have forgotten that it was actually his double act partner Stewart Lee who wanted the moon on a stick - despite his claims otherwise - so applying the catchphrase to Richard who never wanted the moon on a stick is wrong and thus pathetically and terribly unamusing."
"Oh yes, sorry. I feel like a fool. If only my usage had been correct then we would both have laughed at me just repeating something that was once said a lot on the TV."
"Yes, but you got it wrong, so laughter would be inapproproate."
"Stewart Lee, where have I seen him lately? I know, he's on that advert on the tube for "We Will Rock You". It looks like he was really enjoying the show."
"Yes, he does love that show. And he wants the moon on a stick."
"Ha ha. You're right. It is funny when you say it about him."
"Ha ha ha, yes it is."
"Ha ha ha, yes"
"Ha!"
That's pretty much how the conversation would have gone I thought.
So I hurried on to my last photo, taken from behind, in order to show the poohing illusion that so amused me all those weeks ago. In a way this was more embarrassing, because now I seemed to be taking a picture of the arse of one of the statues. Why would anyone want to do such a thing, unless they were somehow aroused by a metallic crouching arse?
As I was trying to take the picture a hard looking man stopped right in the way, talking on his mobile phone. He saw that I was trying to take a picture and moved out of the way, but looked round to see what I was taking a picture of and then looked back at me as if I was a mad pervert.
I pulled a face as if to say, "I am not sexually aroused by the arses of statues, look again, it appears that the statue is poohing."
He understood the look and gave me a look that in turn said "So you are aroused by the poohing arses of statues, which is surely more perverted in anyone's book. I doubt you could even find an internet site devoted to that, it is so perverse."
I countered with a look that said, "Well I know one internet site that will have a photo like that on it by as early as tomorrow. You can subscribe if you like."
And then he went away.
The angle of the photo doesn't do my visual joke justice. It would have been better if I had been slightly higher up. You need to be sitting in Starbucks window to get the full effect.
I hope you enjoy the pictures as I have suffered real and imagined humiliation in getting them for you.
However, this means that you can now use the photos in an misjudged chat up line (perhaps with someone you fancy at work) without having to travel to Hammersmith or demean yourself by drinking in Starbucks.
If only one couple get together thanks to my photos then the humiliation will have been worthwhile.
Failing that you could join the growing throng of men who can only get sexually aroused by images of shitting statues. Spread the word. www.richardherring.com is the place for people who like that.
All of the photos can now be viewed in the
downloads section.
