Having written a book about cocks I am now called upon quite regularly to give my opinion on cocks and cock based subjects.
This morning, for example, I spent my time writing an article for Cosmopolitan magazine about what makes a good blow job from a man's point of view.
It's a subject that is very dear to my heart and they are paying me to write this. Six months ago if I had started expressing my opinion on such a subject (and I often did) I would probably have been taken away by the police (and I often was).
Now I am being encouraged to do so. It's like a dream come true. Unfortunately they've only given me 200 words to explain this to their readers, which isn't enough, but it's a start.
I would tell you what I said, but my mum reads this diary and to be honest it doesn't seem to be appropriate. Once it is out I will post up my wise (and frankly disgusting) thoughts on this subject. I forgot to say at the end of the article that if Cosmopolitan wanted to find the woman who was the best cocksucker in the country then I was more than happy to be a judge.
You get the general drift.
And now my mum has read that comment and the world seems wrong.
Anwya, it's struck me that I am very close to becoming something I have always dreamed of being, a sexpert. This is someone who is so expert on the subject of sex that the two words become contracted into one - sexpert.
I am hoping, when I get a new passport or am asked to fill out any important form, to put this down as my occupation.
I especially like it, because although everyone understands that the term refers to having a practical knowledge of a sexual subject, the name also implies that I am excellent at doing sex as well.
So I could meet girls at parties and when they asked me what I did, I could say, "Well, interesting that yous should ask. As it just so happens, I am a sexpert." And I could give them a meaningful look (or what might otherwise be described as a leer). And then they would probably go off and talk to someone else.
In fact I experience this in reality a bit last night at a dinner party, when I mentioned the article I was writing. I found I was talking about oral sex to a group of people, most of whom I had only just met. It is so much part of my normality now that I don't even think that other people might get upset. It was when I started blithely discussing anal sex and a couple of the polite young ladies round the table began to blanche slightly that I realised I had gone too far.
Of course had I got my new passport I could have got it out, flipped it open and shown them my job title and they would have been immediately put at ease.
Then I could have tried out my special sexpert leer on them and maybe I would have woken up this morning with more than a hangover.
One day I will be hailed as the expert at sex that I so clearly am.
