Ah brave new world, that has no stagnant water in the sink. My life is changed forever. Or for the next two weeks. Whichever is longest.
I'd been in town to share my experience and wisdom with people hoping to make their way in the world of comedy at the annual
Chortle conference. I remember well being in their position and feeling excluded from the business which felt impossible to get into, wishing there was some short cut. And if some old man had told me that all that it took to succeed was to work for ten to twenty years then I'd probably have felt cheated. I'd have been shouting, "Just tell me how to get on TV!, grandad."
If only I knew.
Luckily the people here were very polite and it was nice to bump into Rumpel the Kangaroo King, who some of you will remember from the Edinburgh Fringe podcasts. I asked him if he'd come on again, but he's not sure if he will be in Edinburgh this year.
Afterwards I was heading home for a rare night in with my wife. I stopped off at M&S at St Pancras to buy us something fancy for dinner. I may have been married for over two months, but I am still putting some effort in. That's just the kind of guy I am. You had your chance. This could have been you getting chicken and mushroom in red wine with carrot mash and a bottle of Cava. But, oh no, you weren't interested were you.
Something happened in the supermarket that I have been anticipating for over 8 years. A man came up to me, looked in my basket and said, "Oh, I was hoping there would be some yoghurts in there, so I could say, "Someone Likes Yoghurt." (If you don't know why he'd say that, then
read this blog or
buy or download the show of the same name.
"Unlucky," I replied, "There are none. You see, I don't actually like yoghurts all that much."
All right, if I'm honest, I had anticipated someone saying that to me when I did have some yoghurts in my basket. For a time I was maybe even cautious about buying yoghurts for just those reasons. But then I realised that the chances of someone being aware of the show "Someone Likes Yoghurt" and seeing me in a supermarket with yoghurts were actually pretty unlikely. So I began buying yoghurts again. In normal amounts. And no more often than anyone who has a normal relationship with yoghurt would do. And as if to prove my worries unfounded I had eight years of shopping for yoghurts (and other items) before anyone brought it up. But today, finally someone said it.
It's one of the curses of being a comedian. You create a catchphrase and then, approximately once every eight years a perfectly pleasant man will interrupt your daily life to say the catchphrase back to you. Sometimes I wish I'd never even written about the bloody yoghurts. If only this had happened before the conference I could have warned all the young hopefuls to get out now while they could to avoid this kind of inconstant invasion of privacy. But instead I filled their heads with the idea that by working hard they might make a living and have a pleasant life. Not when people badger you about yoghurts and whether you like them or not, you won't.
If I get it this bad then I wonder what the check out lady who originally said the phrase has to put up with. I suspect her life is even more blighted than mine. Don't become a comedian or if you do become one at least become a successful one who gets their catchphrase said to them all the time. There is little more dispiriting than creating a catchphrase with this limited type of return.
Mind you, no one has ever given me the full catchphrase from the motorcycling clothing shop sketch. So at least yoghurt is one ahead in the stakes.
