Thatcher's funeral is going to cost £10 million. Who's going to pay for that do you think? There's 60 million of us in the country so it's only about 17p each to put Thatcher in the ground. I think if you'd been given that offer before she was dead many people might have jumped at it. But it seems a bit much that we have to pay for this. Surely a few of the people and companies that she made into billion pound concerns could dig into their pockets for this one - maybe in return for getting their logo on the coffin. In fact we could turn this into a money making opportunity for the country - Thatcher would have loved that- I think businesses would pay way more than 10 million to sponsor the funeral. This might be the thing that gets the country back on its feet. Thatcher had no problem with exploiting billions of dead in return for money (North Sea Oil was made out of the cadavers of countless living things - no one wept for them or asked their families how they'd feel about being sold) so she'd love to think that in her final moments above ground she was helping to shore up this country that she loved/didn't really care for (delete as applicable). If anyone can make any money out of my death (and that money then goes to help the rest of the country or a charity) then I'd be delighted. I would give permission to be dressed up as Ronald Macdonald if it could bring 10 million pounds into the country's coffers. I won't do adverts alive, but once I'm gone then I will no longer be able to feel shame and also if I am wearing a scary clown costume it might bring some levity to the service and provide my family with some brief solace. Also they'd all be looking forward to the free burgers and fries at the wake. I think quite a few of them would actually be happy if I was dead, even if there was no money in it, as long as they got a free Happy meal.
Thatcher is one of our resources and I think we should make the most out of her as we can. And you know that she would think the same if only her brain hadn't stopped working.
After the relative glory of the Bloomsbury I am back to more regular touring and tonight found myself in Nantwich playing to 115 people sat on chairs at the front of a large hall, like some kind of poorly attended school assembly. I couldn't get into my dressing room to begin with because one of the staff was keeping his bike in there. A local advert for the gig mentioned me underneath an offer for two for one facials (I also offer facials, but at my age can only manage one of any meaning in the course of an evening). It was not glamorous, but it was still a lovely gig. I was asked on Twitter whether it was hard to build up enthusiasm for a show after the DVD has been filmed, but the only fear is that I will come up with new material that won't make it on (and I did ad lib a couple of quite nice gags today). It can get hard on a long tour to keep up the necessary enthusiasm for every single second, but I am finding I am getting better at this. People have paid to see the show and I want to provide the best service I can and I want them to come and see me again.
But strange thoughts zip in out of my mind when a show is this familiar, as if some inner Me2 demon is trying to derail everything. Tonight I started considering the nature of language itself and how strange it was that this sounds we make come to mean what they mean and how naturally our lips and tongue form the correct shape to make the sound we wish to make at any given second. This was a dangerous thought because becoming conscious of the mechanics of speech and daring to question it meant that I might just start to spout gibberish or forget how to make a certain consonant. But I got through it and my brain came back into the room and I think I was still speaking in a coherent and recognisable language. The problem with comedy of course is that if I did that people would assume it was part of the show and probably not say anything. Apologies to the people of Nantwich if I spent 90 minutes mowing and chattering like an ape. You seemed to like it well enough though. Maybe that's my new direction.
