I've been playing
New Star Soccer for about three weeks now. Not constantly and not quite as intensely as when I started. But I've probably played it nearly every day at some point and am on my 32nd season (so that's quite a lot of man hours wasted). I am not sure how realistic the game is. You're 16 (I think) when you start. I am now 48 (in the game) and yet I am still playing for the top Premier League club and for England as a striker. Age has not withered me and it doesn't seem to have had any effect on my pace or stamina.
I am pretty sure this is down to my personal skill rather than the game having no cut off point. In all honesty I am a little bit bored of the game now, but feel impelled to carry on playing to see how old I can get to before I get pulled off by the manager. I think it's the least I deserve for all my years of service.
But how much time I can I waste in my quest to see if I can still play for England as a 100 year old man on a pretend game in which I am not actually a footballer at all?
A lot of time is the answer.
I think this whole thing proves that had I gone into football instead of comedy I would have been the greatest striker of all time. And I am sure out there somewhere David Beckham is playing some iPhone approximation of what it's like being a comedian and has discovered that that was his true vocation. And yes, I am saying that I am to comedy what David Beckham is to football. And that if I played football for a living I would be 20 times as good as him at it. And I have my New Soccer Star stats to prove it.
I felt pretty knackered all day today, but once I'd got to Didcot for the gig I had a burst of energy and got some work of the new show programme (get your name in it by donating at least £15
here ) done in the dressing room (and didn't even play one game of New Star Soccer). I was so busy I failed to notice show time had practically arrived and had to get changed in double-quick time. And on stage I felt finally almost released from the lurgy that has haunted me for the last month and gave a frisky performance, feeling able to throw myself into the show a bit more than of late.
I have been castigating Giles the Cannibal for being too reliable. I have more Metro columns to write and yet nothing of any interest has happened on tour due to him doing his job too efficiently. So the new tour catchphrase (usually to be fair when something quite dull has happened) is "Could be a Metro column in that." Ironically there could be a Metro column in that.
The "We're All Going To Die!" poster is getting close to being finalised. You can see the progression of different versions
in the downloads section There are a few minor adjustments to make, but the last picture in the series is the one we're going for. Fantastic work from Steve Brown (photographer), Stephen Newman (design) and Emma Watts (make-up).
