I have been playing a bit of backgammon against people on the internet, using the internet backgammon game that comes with Windows XP. It's a nice way to pass ten minutes while you're thinking about what you're working on (which was nothing today - oh come on, it's practically Christmas) or avoiding thinking about what you're working on.
The annoying thing about this version of backgammon is that whilst it has a chat function allowing you to communicate with the anonymous stranger you're playing with (no way of logging in either or keeping note of your stats or standing - frankly it's rubbish), you are limited to the use of 26 phrases. These phrases are:
Nice try
Good job
Good game
Good luck!
It's your turn
I'm thinking
Play again?
Yes
No
Hello
Goodbye
Thank you
You're welcome
It was luck
Be right back
Are you still there?
Sorry I have to go now
I have gone to play at zone.com
:-)
:-(
Uh oh...
Oops!
Ouch!
Nice move
Nice roll
Not again.
In futuristic 2004 this seems ridiculously limited. How hard would it have been to include a chat package that just let you type in what you wanted to say? And if it isn't then do they really think that these 26 phrases are the most useful way of having a productive conversation? Because personally I find them woefully inadequate. Firstly, when all you've been able to say "Hello" , "Good luck" and "I'm thinking" to someone, then I doubt that they will be that interested in your life to know that you are leaving them to go and play at zone.com. Even in the unlikely event that that was what you were going to do, I don't think you'd bother to tell the person that you don't know and who you've only had a very stilted conversation with. This one is clearly just an advert for zone.com and is a waste of a phrase. If they hadn't had that they could have had the phrase that I most want to use whilst playing which is, "You jammy cunt". I am sure that was next on their list too.
Because to be frank their list is much too polite. The phrase "it was luck" is clearly to be used as a self-effacing apology for a good roll of your own. You rarely want to say that. What you want to express in backgammon is how unbelievably lucky the other person is. Most people use "It was luck" to signify this, but it is a clumsy phrase.
It is an incredibly difficult thing to communicate with someone using those phrases and makes for annoying and boring conversation. It also means you can't offer advice to a player who is worse than you, or get tips from someone who is better. "Why the Hell did you do that, you idiot?" would be a useful phrase. But then you'd also need "It's because I am a twat" so they could answer. You could certainly replace "Nice try" which is so patronising as to be more offensive than anything I could think of. And "You're welcome" which is just much too polite to even bother with.
You are doing something amazing, playing backgammon with someone else somewhere in the world (and you get to see their nationality, but not their name) and yet they haven't gone that extra distance and allowed for communication. I presume if you go to zone.com then that distance will have been reached. But I am not going to sell out to "the man". Even if it means I have more fun.
And if you are limited to 26 phrases then next time make them these:
1) You jammy cunt
2) You lucky cunt
3) You lucky bastard
4) Why the Hell did you do that, you idiot?
5) It's because I am a twat.
6) Oh, if only I'd have rolled a 5, I would have won then.
7) I can't believe you got a double 4 at that exact point -This is really unfair
8) Sorry, I have to go now because I am pretending to write a book
9)Sorry I have to go now as you are easily winning and I want to watch my Spooks DVD
10) I also like Scrabble, do you?
11)Yes
12)No
13)It is good that you like Scrabble.
14) Why don't you like Scrabble?
15) Because it's shit.
16) You should give it a go - you might be surprised how good it is.
17)All right, you talked me round.
18)No, I don't want to.
19)I really think you should.
20)OK, well seeing as you are so vehement about it, I will.
21)Stop talking about Scrabble.
22) I am in the British Library, are you?
23) Are you a hot looking girl?
24) No I am an unwashed stinking nerd.
25) Yes, I am a very hot looking girl and I am all horny and that and want to do it in the toilet.
26) I will meet you by the toilet.
Be careful not to slip and accidentally use phrase 26 in response to phrase 24 or by internet law you will have to have sex with one of the stinky nerd men. Hopefully the smell in the toilet will mask their worse smell a bit though. I expect.
