Metro 233

Most people don't go on holiday to Warsaw Indiana, but I like to stay ahead of the curve. I am a trendsetter and I want to encourage all you Metro readers to follow me and book a fortnight's break there. Just to freak out the people who live there, mainly. “Where are all these British folk coming from? And why?”

Not convinced you want to spend your hard-earned money on a trip to the world centre for Orthopedic implants? Let me talk you into it. Warsaw doesn't just have a lazy field of abortion memorial and a statue of a man being non-plussed at meeting a dead President, it has a museum with a collection of almost 30 unusual pencils and a display of old T shirts, one of which dates back to the 1990s.

I genuinely had a good time: the people were friendly, the lake was beautiful (though we were warned not to swim in it “at this time of year”) and it was fascinating to get a taste of day-to-day life in “real” America.

And look, all the stuff I have written about is not representative of Indiana or its people. You just tend to notice the more extreme stuff when you're away from home.

Talking of which, on our last day we visited an amazing candy and soda shop with shelf after shelf of chocolate bars, sweets and fizzy pop. Amongst the Hershy's Bars and Babe Ruths I found something amazing: a single bottle of undescribed, brown drink, featuring a cartoon of a wide-eyed Osama Bin Laden, which was called “Seal Ya Later”.

It was good to see an historical event celebrated through the medium of a fizzy syrupy beverage. They should have politically-incorrect colas for all assassinations and atrocities.

Even better, there was a joke on the bottle:

 â€œKnock Knock.

Who's there?


 I am not sure whether that exchange is a verbatim account of what happened that fateful night, but I hope so.  I like to think the Navy Seals turned up with the joke all planned out. It did rely on OBL saying “Who's there?” but who could really resist that?

The problem with the Seals' joke, though, is that Osama Bin Laden might not say “Who's there?” and then they are just left downstairs knocking again and again, whilst he makes good his escape. Navy Seals are like vampires. They can only come in if invited. You have to respond to their knock knock joke or they're screwed.

More importantly, what if Bin Laden did say “Who's there?” Then they deliver their brilliant (if pre-planned) gag, “America”. Surely then Osama .Bin Laden would say, “America who?"

And the Seals are not prepared. They thought “America” would get a big enough laugh. But the Al qaeda front man has called their bluff. Now they must think up a topper on the spot. It looks like it should be easy, but not in the heat of the moment. “A merry car is fun to drive”? Tumbleweed. Not funny enough for this historical moment. “A mere Icarus”?

I think Osama Bin Laden would counter, “There's nothing mere about Icarus. He could fly. And anyway it's still scarcely a joke. Come back when you have a proper punch line.”


I am going to perpetuate the rumour that “Seal Ya Later” is the only soft drink available in the US and that it is compulsory to drink it at all times and anyone who doesn't drink it is locked up in Guantanamo Bay for being un-American. It's not true. But I think we've all had enough of facts.

Rebellion is in the air, not because of Brexit and the potential fudge the government might make of it or because the NHS is at breaking point. What's finally roused the people into action are a new phone coming out without a traditional headphone jack and a cookery show moving to a different TV channel. Thank goodness we have our priorities right. We can't sit back and let these things just wash over us, Britain.