Giles the Cannibal's diet of only man-meat has had terrible consequences for his teeth. He was in so much pain with two of his flesh-ripping gnashers that he had to take the day off. We have a running joke where I compare his tour managing efforts to the late, great Malcolm Kingsnorth who accompanied us on one of our Lee and Herring tours (but also worked for Billy Connolly and Status Quo amongst others). I texted Giles to let him know that Kingsnorth would have done this gig if every tooth in his head had fallen out. I am thinking of getting a T-shirt printed up for him saying, "I am no Malcolm Kingsnorth!" But then who is?
Luckily I was only going as far as Wellingborough and the crew were helpful and efficient. I don't even know why I have a tour manager, I could easily do this on my own. Just look how happy and fresh I was on last year's tour.. oh right.
Having to do all the set up and driving myself actually reminded me how great it is to have someone doing all this stuff for me. As Giles is in a morphine induced coma at the moment I can secretly admit that he is doing a great job as he'll never read this. But if you see him don't tell him I said that. In fact tell him that he is no Malcolm Kingsnorth. Especially when I keep making up amazing things that Malcolm supposedly did, which he never actually did.
Ah touring is such fun.
I wasn't sure if I had played Wellingborough before. The theatre looked familiar, but I couldn't remember coming here. Checking warming up it turns out that I've been a couple of times, once with the original Talking Cock and I recall that night as a woman questioned
whether you'd be able to tell that someone had spat on your back rather than ejaculated due to temperature. It's quite a big theatre and I only had about 150 in tonight, but as usual it didn't affect the show too much. In fact they were quite lively and keen to join in. One man seemed to want the world to know he'd attempted to suck his own cock (though went suspiciously quiet on whether he'd managed to do it) and another woman gave a shout out to my dad as I was talking about having a bath with him. She'd been one of his pupils and was shouting out a positive message though it rather crashed my punchline. Even in Wellingborough my dad is more famous than me!
Asking the audience to tweet me questions or responses to the survey during the interval has been working well (wish I'd thought of this earlier). In Southend a man had asked why his children always burst into the room whenever his wife was thinking of getting amorous. I told him it was like salmon returning to where they were spawned. In Norwich the tech Tristan told me he was using his penis to operate the lighting desk - and then dipped the lights as I read out the tweet, leading me to comment it was especially impressive as he was sitting six feet from the controls.
Tonight I got some more gems including Laura telling me that the most unusual penis she'd encountered had a stubby shaft which was like deep-throating a cactus (there was a subtle humblebrag in there I guess that she was able to so that) and a couple of gents recommending places to put your penis as two chicken breasts in a pint glass (dangerous if the glass breaks or if anyone licks your penis afterwards if the chicken is raw- though I guess if you do that then it's unlikely you've got anyone to lick your penis) and a thermos flask filled with heated liver which keeps warm throughout the day (according to his friend Danny).
I very much enjoyed
this review of the Me1 vs Me2 Snooker podcast. It's about time someone (other than Me... and Me1 and Me2) recognised how good this thing is. Still my own personal favourite of all the stuff I've done and if you don't like it then you're a dick. I now have a review to prove it.
Also very proud to announce that my wife is one of 17 children's authors whose book has been selected for the Bookbuzz scheme. Her book is called "My Best Friend and Other Enemies" and she writes under the name Catherine Wilkins.
You can buy her book here. I am hoping she'll be successful enough with these books so that I can retire, so spread the word and all this madness can end. I also hope that one day she will have a Harry Potter world style tourist attraction and that (for some reason) I will be asked to put my handprints in concrete at the front of it and one day Hermione from Harry Potter will come and see it and put her hands in my hand prints and be freaked out that she has the same size hands as me.
See this entry for why. This is my dream. Make it happen folks.
