One letter in the post and it was an official looking one. As I opened it up I thought that I had got another unexpected speeding ticket, so was oddly relieved when I realised it was merely a parking fine. Though it took me some time to work out where it was from. The information was there, but I was too overwhelmed to take it all in. But by the time I'd walked to the kitchen I had realised that it had come from Bristol and the Aldi car park behind the Tobacco Factory. I have always parked there in the past, but this was the first time I had got there so early - at just after 4 and apparently it's only free after 7. Or rather you get two free hours, but I was parked there for more like six. And this was going to cost me £70, unless I pay up straight away in which case it's only £40. Given that Aldi was shut at the time as it was a Sunday and the car park was entirely empty so it seems a bit rich, but it seems the whole world is nowadays out to see how much money it can make out of motorists. A few years ago you could park in the centre of a town probably for nothing, and certainly you'd be allowed to park in your own street, but now people are looking to make money out of you every way they can. In some senses I don't object. It should be made more expensive to drive. But people are taking the piss. And they're not doing it to try and save the environment. They're doing it because it has become imperative to make money at all times in every conceivable way. Hotels that would once let you stay in their car park because you were staying in their hotel, not charge ten to fifteen pounds for the privilege. Everyone is on the make. Money is all that matters. Except to a few kind souls who do podcasts and blogs for nothing more than the hope that emotional blackmail will make you
buy tickets to their tour show or
their books and DVDs. If only everyone was as selfless as me.
It wasn't even a parking warden that caught me but some kind of computer system.
I am tempted not to pay or to create some new kind of protest against Aldi, but I have had my fingers burned fronting up to big business recently. I was going to write to them, enclosing the cheque but saying that I would never be shopping at Aldi again. But I have never shopped at Aldi and I never intend to do so anyway, so my threats are empty.
I shop at Marks and Spencers. Things would have to go very wrong (or the RBS would have to sue my arse off) before I shop at Aldi.
But some of you are probably poor and maybe you are forced to buy things from this horrendous shop, so if that is the case then could you please boycott the store and email me to let me know how much you usually spend there and I will write to Aldi and let them know how much their pettiness has cost them.
Fight pettiness with pettiness.
And if you do shop at Aldi then I will send you an email of commiseration and then maybe select one of you out of a hat and send you an M and S fruit salad, so you can find out how the other half live. I could have bought ten fruit salads for the price of my fine. Or more like 16 if I wait until the end of March to pay.
And if you're going to be litigious or humourless about this entry - yes the satire is actually aimed at myself and my own stupidity. And yes probably Aldi don't directly control their own car park. And yes it's my own fault for not checking the signs.
It's just an attempt at making some light humour out of the inconveniences and frustrations of modern life.
But everyone who works for Aldi is a cunt, especially their head, Ian Aldi. But more especially just the ordinary people who work in the shops. All cunts. Come on. Libelous enough for you? What you waiting for? Scared?
Cache this one kids. It might have to be edited at some point.
But help me spread some mischief. As long as we lose Aldi fifty pounds worth of business then I will be happy.
Help me with my petty, pathetic life. I am 41 years old.
Ooh and I got a mention on the Adam and Joe show today because someone had Stephened me during my Taunton show (you need to be an A&J fan to understand that) and I had the fun of being able to "Text the Nation" to give my side of the story. What if I don't want to? Doesn't matter. Just text!
