So I was thinking of applying for the One Show job. I've got to be in with a good shot surely. I mean, what could they possibly object to? As long as I remember not to write about my sexual exploits and publish them in any kind of book.... oh darn it.
Things are getting a bit ridiculous up at the BBC, but in the country in general, it seems. Jason Manford and Lord Young both resigned today for different reasons, but essentially for making stupid errors, that should both surely really have been resolved with an apology (and in Manford's case only to his wife - what business is it of ours?). At least Lord Young is in government so should probably be a bit more careful about the shit he spouts (though if he believes it, he should be allowed to say it), but Manford is a presenter of a light entertainment programme and although having to admit to wanking in his hotel room as strangers jiggle in front of him might be at odds with his reputation as a clean-cut family man, it's hardly a drug fuelled orgy. I've heard tell that Chris Evans used to pleasure himself whilst looking at models in bras in his mum's catalogue. I hope he will do the decent thing.
We're getting dangerously close to a situation where to commit adultery in your mind is enough, which will please the staunchest fans of the old testament. Please ensure that all your wanks only star your partner (or yourself if you are single) or you will have to resign your position. Thought crime is here.
And yes, Manford's "crime" is slightly, but only very slightly worse than that, but still what he wanks off to shouldn't be your business or my business. Or affect his career. And it's the venal holier than thou, but in fact much more diabolical than thou journalists that we should be turning on. Where are the Christians when you need them? With their not judging and not throwing stones. There don't seem to be too many of those Christians around in this country any more.
I think it will all work out well for Manford. He gets to leave the One Show, which is beneath his talents and I think most people will feel mainly sympathy for him. Plus he's got a lot of publicity out of it. If I was more cynical I would say he had engineered the whole thing. And I should maybe try the same thing to promote
my tour. I asked for people to send me pictures of their tits on Twitter (even daring to suggest we should start an IamSpartacus style campaign where everyone put up pictures of their breasts to show support Manford - no ulterior motive at all, obv) but all I got was pictures of moobs. Luckily I am turned on by the hairy cleavages of male nerds.
I don't think Manford is that evil. In fact, he is one of the most down to earth comedians I have met, but that doesn't mean he can't make a dumbass mistake or two.
I guess I can understand what he was going through a little bit. It's hard being away on tour. It's lonely and you have to cope with an enormous come down after you've been on stage, even at my level, and it's very hard to fill that time between the show and 3am when you might actually be able to sleep. Some get pissed, some take drugs, some hang around in the bar trying to pull. So in a way, going back to your hotel room to have a wank whilst skyping with a stranger that you will never actually meet is almost chivalrous. In my opinion Jason Manford is the gentleman masturbator. This is only one step below buying flowers for his wife.
But even if he was doing something worse or more morally reprehensible, then as long as he doesn't break the law I don't think it should be in the newspapers.
I just want to live in a country that is a bit more grown up about sex and more realistic about how human beings behave and the fact that they constantly fuck up in their lives in small and big ways. It's up to us all individually to work out how we live our lives.
Oh fuck it, why am I even bothering? This is so obvious it's not even worth stating. I am going to sleep. Wake me up when the country is as grown up as I am. Which, you know, is not very grown up. It shouldn't take too long.
Or let's celebrate the people, who against the odds, manage to live their lives without making any mistakes at all. Anyone willing to put themselves up for that accolade? I suspect not many takers.
