Warming Up

8248/21167

Life is great. Don’t waste it being a cunt. Waste it some other way.

Why are all heroes so modest?

They do something unambiguously heroic and then say they don't want to be called a hero or that they are just doing what anyone would do.

I don't want to be called a hero because I am not one. If an orphanage was on fire I'd just be standing outside laughing rather than rushing in to save and then adopt all the orphans.

In the unlikely event that I ever do anything heroic and the even more unlikely event that I survived, I wouldn't claim I wasn't a hero. On the contrary when the local news turned up to chat to me, covered in my own blood, "I'm a motherfucking hero, bitch!" And they couldn't even tell me off for swearing because a) I am a hero and b) the President did it and he hadn't even been a hero (except to idiots).

Or I might go for "I don't like the word "hero".... I LOVE the word "hero". That's what I am! I could have run away. I'm a motherfucking hero, biitttch!"

In truth I am more likely to be interviewed saying "I don't like the word coward, but there's no denying that it is the correct descriptor for my behaviour this afternoon."

It's ironic that I'd let everyone down when it came down to it, because I spend maybe 25% of my time imagining awful events that could happen at any moment and in my head I am disarming a terrorist using just a newspaper or tackling them to the floor and using my own body to smother the blast from their suicide bomb. I'm checking exits, looking for things that I could use to defend myself, imagining the interview where I claim not to be a hero, but am winking at the camera because I know you all think I am a fucking hero and it just makes me more heroic to pretend to be modest about it. And then, to make sure there is no doubt adding, "I am a hero. I stopped a terrorist attack with a copy of the Metro. You do the math... ematics."

I am getting to chat to so many amazing and successful authors on Book Club and they don't get much more successful than David "One Day Nicholls. Here we are talking about his new book "You Are Here".

Buy the book here 

My first guest for the Edinburgh run of RHLSTP will be Kieran Hodgson on 30th July. Buy tickets here.

The RHLSTP in Sheffield on 5th July is very nearly sold out. So book now if you want to see me chatting to Bernie Clifton. 

Here he is on Crackerjack

And there are still tickets for both RHLSTPs in London on Monday at the Bill Murray

At 8pm I will be chatting to Barry Ferns.

At 9.30pm my guest will be Chloe Petts

Not sure when the next London gig will be and tickets are just £10 a show so come on down cock-knees.