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Up to 56 different plants this week now - I hadn't even had an apple. An apple! It's so basic. Had that in my back pocket Zoe. This is so pimpsy!
I have to find four more in the next two days and it's a little bit of a struggle, but there's a few types of nuts and beans I haven't had yet. I could track down a pear! I can do this. If it kills me. Which it might. Weight is dropping off now and if I keep going at this rate I will weigh 0kg by the end of 2026.
Did my toothpaste tube survive it's crucial second day.
Paid subs at substack got to watch a video of me tempting fate by dropping the tube on the floor. Did it survive? Insert coins to find out.
Catie was off to a lunchtime awards ceremony first thing this morning, so I had to get the kids to school AND walk the dog. Up to now we've either done one job each or one of us has waited til their home from school to walk the dog. But the walk to school and back is 45 minutes and Wolfie needs at least 30 minutes walk and I had to be somewhere at 10..... I came up with the ingenious plan of doing both at once.
OK, it wasn't that ingenious. We haven't done it before because dogs are obviously not allowed on the school grounds, but what if, hear me out, I just took the kids to the school gates and then watched from there to make sure they went into their classrooms? Or if I made the big one deliver the little one to his class? It was so fiendish. But it might just work.
It easily worked. We've been idiots. It only won't work if we need to talk to the teachers before school. Life hacked!
Yet no one thinks of the innocent victims of all this. Wolfie was really upset and confused by me walking us all to a place 20 minutes away and then just abandoning the kids. She sees us as a pack and she wants us to be together and then we just eject the kids and walk away? For the first ten minutes of the walk home she was stopping, looking over her shoulder and was quite perturbed. I don't blame her. I never thought I'd get to a point where I was comfortable having the children out of my field of vision.
I wish my kids were as loyal to each other as the dog is.
I sometimes think my dog loves me more than anyone - she certainly shows me more affection than my daughter, who sees me principally as a figure to mock with burns (and I fully deserve this as I spent at least 40 years- so far- doing the same to my own dad).
The move has been tough on both kids, but Ernie has worn his heart on his sleeve more than his tough and resilient sister. Tonight after bedtime Phoebe came down quite distressed and saying that she wanted to go back to her old school. It was quite a shock to see her so desolate, but we talked to her about it. I got a bit teary myself and asked Phoebe if she wanted a hug. She usually reserves this kind of affection for her mum, but with her guard down, she walked over to me and sat on my knee and we hugged. I'm not saying I am pleased that she has had a tough week, but this was a lovely thing to happen. I forget that she is 9 because she has the front and sass of a teenager, but she's still a little girl who just about believes in Santa.
Catie pointed out that the only other time Phoebe would hold on to me like this was when she was a baby and we took her swimming. Where she'd grip me tight in fear. What she was going through now was as scary and disorientating as going swimming as a baby. It's good for her to know that when the going gets tough that I am here for her, just as it's good for me to know that in spite of all the jibes she maybe likes me a little bit.
It's a thankless task being a dad, just ask my dad, but moments like these (as rare as they are) are all the thanks I need. I actually don't need any thanks at all. I should be thanking these kids for what they have done for me. I won't do that though or otherwise their power over me will be absolute.
I get it. I moved school when I was 8 and left all my childhood friends behind forever. Even though I made new friends and friends for life at the new school, I can still just about detect the echoes of fear and loneliness from the summer of 1975. And I still think about Satish Patel, my best friend and the only Loughborough playmate I remember the name of.
I had much to do after drop off, getting the boilers at the old house serviced at 10am, finding out that the small one in the annexe basically needs replacing (another £1500 down the drain, which seems a shame when we're never going to use it, but it seems equally wrong to try and lump it on the vendor, whoever the fuck they might turn out to be), having a tough personal training session, which I was more than equal too thanks to all the vegetable power, and then immediately attempting another stone clear.
Listen here. And the ace news came through that Catie won her award!
You're Not The Boss of Me is the Best Laugh Out Loud Book for Teens according to the Lollies (and also me)
This and her other books are the perfect Christmas gifts for any little readers in your family. And funny enough to convert some non-readers too, I reckon.
She is modest enough to genuinely have been surprised by this win (thank God she has such low self-esteem or she'd never have gone out with someone as useless as me), voted for by the readers, and I was surprised too, but only because I don't think awards ceremonies always choose the best thing! I mean look at my failure in that regard. Her books are properly funny and really resonate with the kids that read them and to be honest I think it's just great that there's an award that acknowledges humour, as there's an award/critical snobbishness about funny not being as good as serious. So thanks to the brilliant Michael Rosen for setting up these awards. But mainly Hooray for Catie!
She may have the most book awards in the household, but who has written the most books? Quantity not quality!
