You vain Bridgewater idiots. I know very well how you are meant to spell Bridgewater, but I am deliberately spelling it wrong a) because everyone knows bridge has an "e" in it and b) to annoy you and all you stand for. I want to infuriate you so much that you come out of Bridgewater, looking for me, to cave my head in, because only then will you discover that the rest of the world does not smell like Bridgewater. To begin with you might not like the (non) smell of the real world, but stay here long enough and you will be unable to return to Bridgewater without retching up your guts. Then you will be one of us.
OK, for those pedants amongst you I will admit it: Bridgewater is really spelt "Bridgepoohwater", but the pooh is silent, as is the case with all the most deadly smells.
I was playing the Bridport Arts Centre tonight, home to the Bridport Ammonite, an attraction that brings almost three tourist to Bridport every fifteen years. It's mentioned on their
website, but I can't find a picture of it. It is not actually an ammonite though.It is just a metal representation of an ammonite, with little carvings on it to illustrate the history of geology or something. To be honest I was a bit disappointed when I realised that it wasn't a real giant ammonite. I had only agreed to play Bridport because I knew I would get to see the ammonite, and now I found out it wasn't even an ammonite. You can imagine my ammonite-based disappointment.
Of course that's not really all there is in Bridport. There is also a toy shop with some half price action man figures in the window. But this was closed. So I just went back and looked at the ammonite again, just to confirm that it definitely wasn't real.
Interestingly South Street, which the venue is on, does not feature in Dave Taylor's in-car satellite navigation system, which is supposed to include every road in the UK. This isn't because it's a new road (because it isn't). The only possible explanation is that the blokes putting the maps together were getting a bit bored and thought, "Look, no one is ever going to want to go to Bridport - let's just put the town on the big map so people know they are passing by, but we don't have to go into detail."
Those lazy men figured without the Bridport Ammonite though.
I am being rude and Bridport has done nothing to deserve this roasting. The air there smells sweet and fresh and the people I saw (admittedly only about 70 of them came to the gig, but that's probably about 90% of the people who live in Bridport - at least 90% of those under 85 who are able to get out on their own - stop it Rich. Bridport was nice) were charming and friendly.
It was the second night in a row for a proper cooked meal and we ate in the little cafe (very close to the Bridport Ammonite) with the cheery staff and it was a very pleasant experience.
And though I feel there were certain parts of the show that maybe shocked some of the more respectable members of the audience - such as me drinking my own sperm by accident thinking it was a Danone and writing Argos on the face of a dead baby and breaking its skin with the biro (I did go into much more detail than usual) - they really seemed to enjoy it and I had a fine old time.
I even met a woman called Susan Herring who had only come to the show because she had the same surname as me and wondered if we might be related. I don't think we are (well not directly), but it was nice to find out that she enjoyed it anyway, despite not usually liking stand-up comedy apart from Billy Connolly.
So there, that is something.
And I saw the Bridport Ammonite.
If any of the Bridport residents can send me a picture of the Ammonite I will happily post it on here at a later date - though I suspect you won't want to let people see it in photographic form, so that they have to travel to your town to witness it in the flesh (well the metal).
I hope people will go to Bridport. You go for the Ammonite and you stay for the half price action men and the lasagne in the cafe.
Long may the sat-nav manufacturers keep your delights a secret from the general populace. I would hate to see Bridport become the new Benidorm and be ruined by drunken tourist louts.
Also I forgot to mention in my newsletter - I will be appearing on Andrew Collins' weekend radio show on a weekly basis from now on, talking about the news and stuff. The show is on Sundays 1400-1700 BBC 6 Music. I think I am fairly early on! See
here for details.
Thanks to Claire Mumford for the Ammonite photo!
