Warming Up

We’d run out of the tea that Catie likes. Twinings Breakfast tea. The local shop didn’t have any, so when Phoebe was in her drama class I went to a nearby M and S to see if they had it. But they only had M & S brand and I didn’t want to be the guy who brought home the slightly wrong tea. When I married her one of the vows was that I would never let her run out of her favourite tea and that if I did then I had to go and buy her some more. It seemed oddly specific at the time and unlikely to bite me on the bum, but 10 years later I fell into the trap. She refused to have the one about obeying me in the vows, why did I agree to this?

So I walked up the road (quite a long way - it took almost 5 minutes) to Sainsbury’s. They had all the Twinings tea including big 160 tea bag boxes of English Breakfast. So I got two of them as a sort of sarcastic gesture, but also to stop myself having to do this again for probably about a year.

I noticed that there were quite a few options for regular tea, including one called Every Day Tea, which was in a yellow instead of orange box. I wondered what the difference was and also for a second wasn’t sure which was the right tea. Was it really English Breakfast that she liked?

I was sure it was after a moment’s thought, but it made me think of an brilliant prank to play on her.

I texted her - “I have got so much tea. Hope it’s the right one!”

“Twinings English Breakfast,” she replied, “Can’t be wrong?”

“What about Twinings Everyday?” I pondered

“Well that’s not English Breakfast” she said, falling into my trap. I was giggling like an idiot at how gullible she was and how very mildly annoyed she would be right now.

“Hopefully it’s nice” she said, trying to make the best of the bad news. But she couldn’t cover up what a devastating blow this was, “Did you get English Breakfast too?”

Her world had fallen apart. It would have been cruel to take it any further. It was time to rip off the false beard covering my actual beard

“Lucky I got English breakfast then! You’ve been punk’d!”

I had punk’d her. If the producers of Punk’d are reading and would like to use that punk then please get in touch. Though to be fair, I’ve pretty much explained the whole thing and you can just steal it wholesale and then just say you’ve Punk’d me. The Punk’der become the Punk’d.

My wife must have felt like a proper Charlie, though I forgot the bit where you’re supposed to film their reaction for comic effect. “Wow” she tweeted. “Very funny”.

It was good of her to admit how very funny I had been. I respect her for giving me such kudos.

This is how we keep our marriage alive. Through mutual laughter. Watch and learn from the master.

The 2nd Taskmaster Champion of Champions special will air straight after Series 13, on the 23rd of June at 9pm on Channel 4. Amazing competitors. Apart from Ed Gamble.

Check out the trailer here. I have no memory of that shot where I seem to be doing chemistry whilst wearing a cowboy hat.

I was also on Heresy on Radio 4 tonight. Listen here.

Big in the back time.

Thanks to Emma Watson for modelling this amazing Duke of York, No Sweat sweatband. We’ll let you know how you can get your hands on one soon.