Jerry Springer the Opera posters are up all over London. A lot of people seem to assume, because me and opera director and co-writer Stewart Lee used to do stuff together, that I must be very jealous of the phenomenal success of this project. Even when I tell them I am not jealous and in fact am delighted that one of my friends (in fact two of them, as TMWRNJ music man, Richard Thomas is the other writer and musical genius behind the piece) is doing so well, they still sneer and laugh and say "Yeah, sure. I'm sure you are really pleased about it." But they say this in a sarcastic way, particularly emphasising the two sures and the really.
If I attempt to reaffirm my pleasure in the success of the show the people pull ever more contorted faces at me and make more sarcastic comments and it looks like I am protesting too much. So I eventually say, "Yes, you're right, I'm really jealous and I wish it was me who'd written it, or alternatively that Stewart and Richard were dead."
I also say this in a sarcastic way, but in a very subtle sarcastic way, so that the idiotic person saying this to me doesn't realise I have been sarcastic. I get more pleasure out of me secretly making them look like an idiot.
Although I can not claim to have had any input into this show, I suppose one of the reasons that I'm not jealous is because its success shows how stupid and short-sighted Jane Root at BBC2 was to treat me and Stew and then Stew, Rich and Simon Munnery so badly. Apparently TV people are now falling over themselves to get Richard Thomas's opera ideas onto the screen, even though they have had this opportunity before and failed to understand how good he was.
In 1999 when we were waiting to hear if there was another series of TMWRNJ in the pipeline I was at a party talking to Steve Coogan about possibly writing for him. Jane Root approached Steve and said hello. Steve said "Do you know Richard Herring?" and Jane Root didn't say anything but instead immediately turned her back on me. I don't think anyone has ever been that rude to me. It was at this point that I pretty much guessed that there wasn't going to be another series of TMWRNJ.
It is thus people like Jane Root, rather than my friends Stew and Rich, that I would love to see fail. Alas she continues to do quite well, so maybe she was right all along about me.
I am so bad that I deserve to be completely snubbed.
I suppose that's sort of by the by (and I don't think it will do me any harm to publically admit to my antipathy. She's never going to give me any work.)
The point is that for Jerry Springer to prove her wrong (at least about Stew and Rich T, she might have been correct about me) is some kind of vindication for past disappointments. I'm actually quite pleased in hindsight that the show got cancelled as it has allowed both me and Stew to do some stuff we wouldn't have had time for otherwise. I've really enjoyed the last four years and without Jane Root's comedic idiocy I would not have had time to do the things that I have done. So I thank her for her stupidity.
I just wish she hadn't turned her back on me. If any of you are ever introduced to her, can you just do the same thing to her? Don't say a word. Just turn your back and talk to someone else. I promise you I will do the same next time I meet her, even if she's about to offer me a big TV contract.
And I won't explain why I've done it either.
Sometimes a principle is worth destroying your life for.
But anyway, back to the point, I am pleased about Stewart's success (ooh, he's going on about it, isn't he? He sounds REALLY pleased, I'm SURE).
No, I can prove I am.
Because I have the perfect way to ruin Stewart Lee's life and make him extremely miserable and angry. I am going to share it with you.
On the underground and in magazines etc at the moment there is an advertisement for the Ben Elton/Queen musical "We Will Rock You!"
It involves a photo of the audience, shot from stage with a performer with his back to us in the foreground. The audience is on its feet, cheering, punching the air and basically displaying all the signs of orgasmic ecstasy, presumably one imagines at the brilliance of the show. You can see all their individual faces, their individual glee.
Stewart Lee as anyone who has read his Sunday Times column will know, is not much of a fan of "popular" music and tends instead to like bands that no-one else (including the members of the bands themselves) has ever heard of.
This is OK. He's is passionate and genuine about this. Unlike most journalists he really believes what he is writing and isn't just saying stuff to impress people.
Consequently he is not a fan of the music of Queen. Nor is he much of an advocate of the theatrical work of Ben Elton. In fact, he went to see "We Will Rock You" very early on (in order to review it, I think) and was apoplectic with rage about how bland and rubbish and degrading it was. He hated it.
So if I was jealous of Stewart and wanted to make him angry and probably suicidal, all I would have to do is pay the printers of that poster to include an extra figure in the audience. I need only get a picture of Stewart Lee, whooping and punching the air with glee and then insert it into the front row of the Queen fan audience and make sure the poster was put up all over London.
He would be devastated, destroyed and inconsolable. He wouldn't think it was funny. Not even a bit. Not even in hindsight.
The fact that I haven't done this proves that I am not jealous of his success.
And anyway I'm currently working on my own project "Kilroy, the Ballet" which will soon make everyone forget about Lee and Thomas's tawdry little operetta.
(To download a copy of "We Will Rock You" poster visit the downloads section, or
click here.)
