The world of TV is a dangerous and confusing business. Today I had a meeting with a high powered female TV executive about the possible televised version of the very thing you are reading now. The project was with a different executive before who was in charge of regional broadcasting, but she decided she couldn't really do it as the series is most definitely largely set in London where I live. And that is not a region. And nothing you can say can convince anyone otherwise. This could have stymied the whole thing, but the project has been passed on to this other non regional executive who had wanted to meet me to discuss how I saw it going.
I have met her before as she was the person who commissioned the family sit-com that I was struggling to write at the end of last year, so I know that she likes my work and that at least is a good start.
But as I met her in the small glass box meeting room on the posh new 6th Floor of TV Centre I was unsure of how to greet her. This wasn't our first meeting and she has been friendly and supportive on the other occasions we've met so maybe a kiss on the cheek was appropriate, but then again she is a high powered executive and I am a lowly writer and comedian and maybe a formal shake of the hand would be more in keeping with muy status. Or I could take a massive gamble and hope that I could persuade her to green light my series by becoming sexually available to her, so maybe I should have swung her round in my arms and given her a long and lingering kiss on the lips, and then if she responded favourably take things further, though the fact the walls were made of glass and in the middle of a bustling office might have made this too risky a strategy. Of should I just be brazen and obvious and calmly reach out and squeeze her breast whilst giving her a cheeky wink and maybe saying "Honk honk". Choices. Choices. My whole career might depend on the next few seconds.
She said hello and stood up to greet me and I decided formality was the appropriate response and held out my hand (to shake it, come on I'm not that mad, but if I saw a glint in her eye I could think on my feet and go for her bosom). However at the same time she had decided that a kiss on the cheek was the way to go and moved forward, leading to the worst possible scenario, a kind of kissing version of paper, scissors, stone. I had to retract my hand and mumble something about not having been sure what the correct procedure was as I awkwardly moved from shaking to polite kissing. Would an open-mouthed lunge to the lips now save my embarrassment? Possibly not. I didn't take the chance. Who Dares Wins, is what Lewis Collins and Jimmy Mulville believe, but to be honest neither of them have their own BBC series and I think we can follow the logic through and realise this is solely because they both sexually harrassed TV executives at important meetings.
The executive laughed off the embarrassment, but you could tell she was offended. "We have met before," she protested.
"Yeah, but that doesn't give you the right to treat me like your sexual plaything. I want to get this job because of my talent, not because I happen to be physically and sexually alluring," I thought.
"Sorry," is what I actually said, whilst looking at my shoes. Everything had gone wrong.
The meeting went well and I thought that maybe the shameful incident would be forgotten and never spoken about again. She was very complimentary about both projects that she had the power to allow to flourish or be crushed into dust and then fired into the heart of the sun.
But as I left she thanked me for coming in and said, "I'll shake your hand this time, because you clearly were embarrassed to kiss me before." All my hard work smashed into pieces by a foolish insecurity about social etiquette.
I tried to protest, but that just made me look like I was saying that I would loved to have kissed her, which is again the incorrect response. It was too late. The damage had been done. And if not, it probably has now by me writing about it this on the very outlet that the TV idea is based on and which she is quite likely to read.
But I might be able to rescue it by pointing out that the actress I see playing the important executive when we get to recreate this entry would probably be Nicole Kidman, although she isn't quite beautiful enough to do this particular executive justice.
And if blatant flattery doesn't work and you don't think I am talented, then I am prepared to work as all the BBC executives' gimp bitch for as long as necessary to procure this series. That's why Jimmy Carr is doing so well.
My mini run on Someone Likes Yoghurt (Worst Comedy Experience of 2005- The Telegraph) starts on Wednesday night at the Battersea Arts Centre at 7.30. It's running for three nights and tickets are selling well, so do book ahead to avoid disappointment. Especially if you are coming on Friday as there are already only 30ish tickets left, so either get those tickets now or preferrably come to one of the first two performances. It's going to be an extended version of the material in two halves, so even if you've seen it before it might be worth a look. I am really looking forward to it and think it could be an especially fun show and it would be really good to sell well so reward me for still not having missed a day of Warming Up by bringing all your friends.
Details in the gig guide.
