I am more than aware of all the stuff I need to get done in the next eight weeks. And for once I got up early and got on my bike and headed down to Hammersmith so I could do some work in a cafe and visit the gym. Hopefully I am getting myself back on track.
Another van pulled out in front of me as I was approaching a junction. He clearly hadn't seen me and there was time to avoid him, but I can't help wondering what is going on. Have I cheated death somehow, like in Final Destination and now the Grim Reaper is doing his level best to track me down and take the life that is rightfully his. Or, I wondered, have I unbeknownst to myself actually died already and no one can see me. I am carrying on my life unaware that I am actually a ghost. It's a possibility. But then who are all these people turning up to laugh at my show on a nightly basis? Other ghosts perhaps. Or maybe people who like the boy in Sixth Sense can see dead people and are turning up to laugh, not at my jokes, but at my stupidity for not realising I have passed on. It would certainly explain why it is going so well.
And I made a small amount of progress with episode on of "Richard Herring Objects", though this should be the easy one as it's about the Hitler Moustache. I have slightly spoiled myself with AIOTM (AIOTM) I think, because now it's very hard to write anything unless there are less than five hours to the actual recording. I can't do that with this show. Well maybe for episode 4.
I was pleased enough with what I had got done in the morning, though I had been disturbed by other patrons in the Caffe Nero that I was in. There were a couple of men having some kind of business meeting at the next table to me and they were talking in very loud voices about their financial affairs. It seemed a little show offy, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe they had loud voices, perhaps having had their hearing affected by some explosion at some point. One of the men then got a phone call, which inexplicably he chose to answer on speakerphone, holding the phone in front of his face like it was a walkie talkie or he was a contestant on the Apprentice. What the fuck was that about? It wasn't even a particularly impressive call - something about a broken down washing machine at his house or something - but who conducts phone calls like that in a public place. I tweeted about it, of course and someone asked if it was maybe Dom Joly up to his old tricks.
I replied that it wasn't, but expressing my exasperation at someone not realising that this was an arse-holey and inappropriate way to respond I added, "Did Dom Joly die for nothing?" I @ed Dom Joly in to this, because it was just a gag and I wasn't trying to be rude.
But after I had been to the gym (where I worked out that I had simply worked off the Frappe Latte that I had had in the cafe - 307 calories? That's the last time I have one of those) Dom sent a confused tweet back, having not read the whole time line and I explained I was only joking and that if anything I was comparing him to Jesus. But things quickly escalated. A couple of people (tongue in cheek) asked if Joly had actually died and I said that I hoped I hadn't inadvertently started one of those Twitter hoaxes, though who would be a better person to hoax about than the King of the hoax. The beginnings of all of this were too transparent to start up a real rumour, but for the next hour I spent my time trying to convince people that Joly might have died to see if we could get the subject trending.
Most people understood that it was a joke, but one or two took the bait and were a little bit upset (but tellingly for Joly only a little bit upset). There were gags about him having been kicked to death by giant squirrels and being buried in a massive mobile phone. I love using Twitter for mindless mischief, but I did realise that I was meant to be working and was instead trying to make people believe that a man who was clearly alive (
and still tweeting) was dead. I am 43 years old. What kind of an idiot am I?
Disappointingly for the living Joly his death was not sufficiently interesting to the world for him to trend. It would have been ironic if this realisation had made him kill himself. But to be fair I think we'd have to do a more sophisticated hoax to find out if people really cared if he was alive or dead. He did gain 2000 followers during the debacle though
@DomJolyinHeaven managed to get 250 from a standing start. Apologies to anyone who came in halfway through all this and got a shock. Dom Joly is alive. Last I heard. Though I would have felt bad if he snuffed it in the night. Or indeed if I had been finally hit by my Final Destination white van on the cycle ride home. As I lay bleeding to death in the gutter I would have chuckled about the confusion I would be about to cause on Twitter. That's how I want to go.
Unless I have gone already.
In which case can Haley Joel Osment get in touch and just tell me what's happened. Don't play me along like you did with Willis. Just tell me I am dead and then maybe I can move on.
To Hell where I belong.
