My girlfriend and I were on the way to a party. The tube doors opened and we stepped inside, only to both gasp for air, visibly choke and be forced to leave. We had been greeted by a wall of guff so thick and potent that instinct repelled us, making it seem madness to be in the same space as this awful stench. I thought I was capable of doing some unpleasant, sentient and almost solid farts, but this one made mine seem like the lightest and most fragrant perfume. We were not polite about our disgust and moved to the next carriage to escape it. Even then I feared we had managed to bring the methane cloud with us.
What was astonishing to me was that no one else in that polluted carriage seemed concerned by the stink. They all stood there, if not happily, then willingly. Perhaps we had arrived just as the smell was emitted from whichever guilty (and probably ill) bottom had produced it. Perhaps the others had yet to experience it. Because I don't think you would willingly stay there when the doors were open and escape was possible. I have been in situations when you are forced to grimmace and bear a fart, but this was, I think, the worst human fart I have ever smelled. So awful that I was almost impressed by it. Why did the others not escape with us? Did they all happen to have no olfactory senses?
It was a fart that had to go down in recorded history and I only wish I could give you the name of the man responsible (for surely no woman would be capable of such offence), but alas it will forever remain anonymous (unless anyone wishes to claim it). As we stood in the next carriage along I genuinely started to worry that it had not been a fart at all. It was so strong and unnatural that I wondered if it might even have been a fertilizer based bomb. I had read somewhere that those home made terrorist bombs can give off a stench. I worried that the people foolish enough to stay in its orbit, perhaps inured to the smell by having been around it as it slowly seeped into their space, were about to pay for their politeness with their lives. Should I risk my own life to go back and warn them?
Perhaps I should have, even if it would make me look insane. But I didn't. And it appears that it did not explode, so it was only an air bomb, not an actual bomb. Though in some ways, especially given the general inefficiency of terrorist bombs, this fart might have been even more dangerous. I may have to get all my clothes chemically cleaned after the few seconds of exposure.
I hope the real victims who were in that carriage for minutes will one day be able to live normal lives again. Why didn't they leave? Why?
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