So my Mastermind episode finally aired. If you haven't seen it yet, then head over to iPlayer before you read this entry, which will give the results. It seems a long time ago that I actually recorded this show, though it was
only the 8th November. It took me a while to recover from the psychological torture I had been through and I wasn't sure I wanted to relive it all. Luckily I was on stage performing to around 100 people, still stuffed from their Christmas dinners, who I eventually got laughing! But my Twitter feed lit up with comments which took me back to that day.
Cutting to the chase I scored 35 points with one pass, which for five glorious moments made me the highest scoring Celebrity Mastermind contestant ever (Lucy Porter also scored 35, though she said she thinks she passed twice). The whole thing had passed in a daze - you have to answer so quickly that sometimes your brain does not get time to think. As discussed before my mouth worked quicker than my brain when I said that Newcastle was at the mouth of the Wear river (I know very well it is Sunderland - though apparently they cut my post-answer "fuck" out of the broadcast). The gladiator question is another one that I think I would have got under normal circumstances, but my brain just could not make sense of the question at all, which turned into a swamp of unconnected words. And most annoyingly of all I came agonisingly close with my post-buzzer question, which I knew I had got wrong as I was saying it. My mind was still on rapid response, but of course I should have taken the time to consider. But I was so relieved to have got through it all that I just blurted out the half correct "fast foo" when the answer was something I do know all about "junk food". Some of you felt that I should have been given that, and for a short time during the recording I would have agreed with you, but fast food is not the correct answer (sushi is fast food and does not have a high fat content). As it turns out if I had got that question right I would have won, as Hilary Kay, who racked up an impressive 36 points (but with two passes).
I was shell-shocked after my round, feeling I had probably done enough to win, but also slightly annoyed with myself as I was one point off the highest Celebrity score ever. The trophy was within my grasp. I was finally going to win something of significance. But as Hilary Kay motored through her questions, making few mistakes, I knew it was going to be close. I was counting up as she went and was a bit astounded when she not only exceeded my total, but did so comfortably. I counted her up to 39 - an astonishing score. But after she finished there was even more tension as it became clear something was awry. They was scurrying about and around about a 5 minute delay as tapes were checked and finally it was announced that Hilary Kay had scored 36. Amazingly in all the excitement the person in charge of the buzzer had forgotten to buzz in when two minutes was up. So presumably the producers had replayed the tape and worked out where the cut off point was, but what an additional moment of drama (that of course did not make the televised programme).
I am sure that all was fair in this nonetheless, as much as I would love to pretend that I was the victim of a conspiracy!
Although, of course, none of this really mattered - it was just a silly TV show and all of our charities got the same amount of money regardless of who won, so SCOPE still benefited from my appearance. Plus I had done really well by any standards - I would have won any edition of Celebrity Mastermind apart from the one I appeared on. I was the second best player ever, just unlucky enough to come up against the best player ever. But I was still somewhat gutted. I had worked very hard on my specialist subject, having to learn answers in a language I don't speak (funnily enough the only one I got wrong on Rasputin was a relatively easy one in English) and typically for me I had still failed to pick up a trophy. It's like the gods have decreed that I must never win anything. As Emma Kennedy remarked on Twitter "Even if there was a Richard Herring Trophy for being Richard Herring, he still wouldn't win it."
I was kicking myself for those wrong answers for days and ruing my bad luck and was actually quite down about the whole thing. Luckily I got a sense of perspective eventually. But as many, many people commented it did seem a little unfair that Hilary Kay was allowed to do Wedgwood as her specialist subject when she is an antiques expert. Especially as I was told that I couldn't do the cultural history of the penis (partly) because I had written a book about it. It all adds to my mythology of failure and may be a great anecdote for the potential "Richard Herring is Surprisingly Adequate" show that is one of the potentials for Edinburgh next year.
And the irony was not lost on me that although I had scored 9 more points than Stewart Lee (who appeared on a previous series), his 26 had been a winning score and he had got a trophy. And he wouldn't really have cared about winning and his trophy is probably hidden away behind his Oliviers. It's all just perfect for the comedy of failure. And it wouldn't be funny unless I really wanted it and he really didn't care. There is a God and he's got a Hell of a sense of humour!
I am, as you can tell, totally over it all now. I actually really am. Well I was, until the wounds were ripped open again. I think it's pretty typical and funny and from all the lovely messages of support I think it might be better for me to be the slightly robbed loser, rather than the smug winner. And hopefully someone will be impressed enough with my Rasputin knowledge to either make my film or at least ask me to present a documentary about him. I have a feeling that something good will come out of all this. It should prove again that for a comedian failure is much more useful and satisfying than success.
And everyone seemed to agree that it was a moral victory for me. Though that's not going to fill my empty trophy cabinet is it?
You can watch the show
on iPlayer for a little while.
And just to prove I am all over (just very slightly after) Christmas BBC, I was also on Russell Howard's Good News tonight.
On iPlayer for a week. As comedian Stephen Grant commented the intersection of the Venn diagram of fans of those two shows might not have too many people in it.
