It's been a disastorous week for CNPS. And I had been doing so well recently, getting all the 270s in around about three days (three of them, memorably, within the space of 20 seconds). But 280 is proving elusive. I have reached the point (as I did with 88 and 121) where I am beginning to suspect that no 280s have ever been made. Perhaps the Licence plate department, aware of the game, decided to play a cruel trick on its fans by just leaving one number out completely. If so it would have been much funnier and more frustrating to make it something high like 997.
It is more annoying as it seems that everywhere I look there is one of the other numbers in the 280s. I've seen at least twelve 281s in the last week and would definitely be through to 290 if just one 280 had turned up recently. I was hoping to get to 300 before the first year was up, but because of 280 my dreams are looking oh so far away.
I made the CNPS gods up as a kind of joke, partly to satirise the futility of religion and how we can make sense of our successes and failures because of the good or bad things we imagine we have done.
But now I am pretty sure that they are real. All 999 of them. They rewarded me last week for my faith and now they are testing me with this 280 drought. And teasing me with the constant supply of close numbers and numbergrams (208 is all over the place). I must have seen at least two of every other number ending in 80.
The minute I was on 280 I sort of felt it would be difficult to get and I think the CNPS gods are punishing me for my lack of faith. When I needed 272 did they not give me it and the next two numbers within seconds in order to prove their munificent wonder? And though I worshipped them in gratitude, my prostrate body was not enough for them. They needed more. And I am being punished. A bit like what happened to Job, only more number-plate based and much worse (Job is well worth a read if you want a laugh by the way. It is easily my favourite book of the Bible, showing God to be the nut-case that makes sense of this crapped up world).
I now intend to show my commitment to the CNPS gods by composing a prayer that will venerate their glory. Whenever two or more CNPS players are gathered together let them recite the prayer and we should all say it at night, before we sleep, in the hope that our devotion will be recognised and our patience rewarded.
Our number-based gods,
Which Art Garfunkel believes in as well,
You are the 999 only true gods and we forsake all other deities who are not real and even if they were would not help us to complete the CNPS challenge.
For you are munificent and kind and good and we worship you for those qualities,
Never becoming angry or annoyed with you,
Even when we have been searching for one number for weeks or months and you continually send numbers that are consecutive to the number we need, or very similar or jumbled variations into the sight of our unworthy eyes.
You wouldn't do such a thing unless it was part of your greater plan, and if we hadn't done something to deserve your wrath, though sometimes, gods, I really have to say I don't understand what the Hell that can be.
But like I said, you must have a good reason because you are good and not at all crafty or vindictive or mental.
And you definitely exist. Oh yes.
For if you did not then speaking to you in this way would make me look very silly and strange.
So you can be sure I believe in you, because of the prayer that I am now saying with my useless, foolish mouth.
And however long we must wait we will remain true to you, oh glorious gods, in the hope that you might be kind enough to give us six or seven numbers in a day.
Or possibly you might arrange a parade of cars to pass us, starting at 1 and then ascending consecutively to 999.
Because you recognise that I am the best at spotting car number plates and believing you, and so I deserve to be rewarded in such a manner.
And all those who do not believe in you, or are not as good at believing in you as I am, shall be smited down. As is right and proper.
Yea, though I walk through Acton Vale
Without seeing a single number that I need
I will still believe in you all and in the purity and rightness of my quest.
We are not worthy to eat the crumbs from under your table,
Even if the crumbs have been swept up and put in the bin
And have all tea-bag juice and garlic skin all over them,
They are still your crumbs and you might want them later.
That is up to you.
For you are the king dongs, the power and the glory
For alway and alway
Amen
Please learn that word for word and say it every night. I shall be doing so and I am sure that I will be rewarded with the numbers that I need (if the gods see fit) very shortly.
