By being a bit pushy I finally managed to get some answers on the flat deposit - though ones that were accusatory and at least in some parts definitely wrong. It turns out that the crockery that had gone missing was ALL OF THE CROCKERY (which at least confirms my suspicion that you could buy the whole lot for £20). Now there could be no doubt that this was an unwarranted charge (even if the only doubt before was the paranoid type that made me think that maybe I had somehow smashed something when I was sleep-walking). What had clearly happened is that the landlady had failed to look in the kitchen cupboard where all the crockery was and where it had been ever since we moved in. You'd think if the letting agency had thought we'd somehow decided to just take all the crockery from the flat they might at least have rung us to say they'd charge us for it, or ask where it had gone. But no, we've been charged £20 because our landlady didn't look in a cupboard.
After writing yesterday's blog I had got quite cross about the cleaning charges, which I had previously decided to grumpily right off. We had cleaned the flat before we left, though we had been in a bit of a hurry and it was not in a perfect state (but had certainly been quite well lived in when we had arrived) and had given up on hoovering the coarse carpet because the flat's hoover had next to no suction. When I enquired again about these charges and asked how the agency justified the four hour cleaning charge (which did not even include cleaning the carpets) for such a tiny flat they finally got back to me with this message from the landlady:
"The outgoing tenants have not cleaned the flat at all and so I would be grateful if you could please arrange for a professional cleaner to clean the flat and then the cost can be deducted from their deposit. I recall that the previous tenant arranged to have the flat cleaned and so the outgoing tenants have not left the flat in the same condition it would have been in when they moved in. The carpet in the bedroom has a lot of hairs, the carpet does not appear to have been hoovered at all, the kitchen floor is dirty and the fridge needs cleaning. The kitchen sink also looks like it has never been cleaned as does the bathroom sink and the bath- the taps and plugholes are really tarnished. (I find it funny that the tenants raised the suitability of the shower curtain as an issue in your recent inspection when they haven't bothered to clean the bathroom!). I have taken a photograph which is attached. I was quite disappointed at the state the flat was left in as the place needs a good clean, so I would be grateful if you could please arrange this asap, if possible before next Wednesday which is when I can go back to the flat.
I also listed on the inventory that there was a crockery set in the kitchen which has now disappeared."
I realised I might have met my match in indignant madness. I was mischievously prepared to push these complaints and waste people's time in return for what I viewed as unfair charges, but it seemed that although the landlady was unable to locate a full set of crockery in a kitchen cupboard, she had noticed particles of dirt and the agency were trying to shame me for being a filthy pig rather than apologising for overcharging me and accusing me of crockery theft. But I am not ashamed. Even though the picture of the sink is fairly disgusting, the truth is that IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN WE GOT THERE. We had cleaned the flat quite regularly and I personally had had a good go at that bathroom before we left. I was unable to remove the lime scale tarnish from the taps. I don't know if there are any limescale experts out there, but I wonder if it's even possible for a tap to get that much limescale on it in 5 months - do let me know if you are a limescale expert!
But without a before picture - or even an after picture where we see if it's possible to get those taps cleaner - it's not much use as evidence. Did it take cleaners four hours to clean that sink, even if they were able to?
I sense that the landlady was already a bit annoyed with us and her sentence about the shower curtain perhaps shows we had wounded her pride. We had just mentioned that the shower curtain didn't adequately protect the bath and that water went everywhere- we weren't even being critical but trying to be helpful as we left as we didn't want the bathroom rotting.
The carpet had been impossible to get clean throughout our stay because of the quality of the vacuum cleaner. Is that our fault or theirs?
I had really got into this argument mainly for the sake of fun and to possible generate a newspaper column, whilst making some interesting points about the impotence of tenants. But whilst I am quite a scummy person, my wife certainly is not and in actual fact I enjoyed the novelty of cleaning the flat whilst we were there (we have a cleaner at home) so I resent the implication that we lived like two Stig of the Dumps not bothering to clean up after ourselves.
Whatever the truth (and despite feeling slightly stung about the accusations) the protracted argument makes it funnier. I suggested that as a compromise we pay for the cleaning charge, but the carpet and the crockery charges were dropped, but I got no response.
But we definitely didn't steal the crockery and I will do all in my power to clear my name. Some of you, I know, think there's no smoke without fire and that I protest too much and that what I like to do is rent out a cheap flat and then at the end of the stay steal their crockery and use it for my own perverted and unknowable ends. But I don't like doing any of that. We didn't even use the crockery when we lived there, so why would we take it? I almost feel like going back to Harpenden and taking the landlady and the agent back to the flat and then open the cupboard where the crockery is just to prove my innocence. But the cost of travelling to Harpenden exceeds the cost of the crockery. Can I call the police out on this one? I have had £20 stolen from me. And there's seemingly nothing I can do.
The line-ups for the Leicester Square theatre continue to get filled with amazing acts. On October 1st, as well as talking to Peter Serafinowicz, I will be interviewing US Twitter sensation Rob Delaney (these will go out as two separate podcasts) and on 22nd October my guest will be David Mitchell. These are both surely bound to sell out (tickets for the other October date -the 8th- with Reece Sheersmith and Steve Pemberton are selling fast too), so
book now. Though if you're not in London or don't want to pay for entertainment then the podcasts will of course be up in the usual places for free.
And the sales for the upcoming Talking Cock gigs are also doing well. Brighton is not quite sold out yet, but it is heading that way and there might be a few standing tickets available for Manchester. So if you want to see me there or in Liverpool or Sheffield
book now. And the London dates are selling well too -
at the swanky Purcell rooms.
Come and see me before I am wrongfully imprisoned for crockery theft.
