Off to Cardiff this morning to film extras for the Talking Cock DVD and links and an advert for the "10" DVD that I will be giving away free to everyone who comes to see "We're All Going To Die!" in Edinburgh (
Buy your ticket now to ensure you get your copy!). It was going to be a long day as we had to then return to Bristol for my 3rd night at the Tobacco Factory and after that driving back to London.
But it was all fun and ridiculous stuff. In the morning I recorded the second battle for the Chris Evans (not that one) Trophy with Me1 and Me2. And I thought that working for Aardman was a crazy job. I record the audio versions alone, so all the players and commentators were a little self-conscious to have to be performing in front of cameramen. But it was a scintillating frame. Not quite as controversial as the first tournament (which you can see if you buy the What is Love, Anyway? DVD), although there did seem to be an issue with the level of the table, but that was the same for both players. You can only find out who won if you buy the Talking Cock DVD (out in July) or ask someone who has bought it.
I had forgotten to bring my waistcoat, but Chris Evans (not that one) lent me one of his. He is not quite as muscular as the Mes and one of the buttons popped off (weirdly around the stomach area) - see if you can spot the missing button on the video.
The most fun extra to film was where Giles and I tried to demonstrate how to make all the items that my survey correspondents had attempted to put their cocks in for fun. Giles is an expert on having sex with inanimate objects so it was good to have him as my wingman. We weren't getting paid enough to use our own penises in this experiment, so I'd bought a bunch of bananas to serve as a rough approximation. The jelly spooned into a toilet roll was unsurprisingly a highlight of the filming - what I hadn't anticipated was the sound it would make. Also the hollowed out cucumber was juicier and less flimsy than I had anticipated (although it couldn't cope with my massive banana). You'll have to buy the DVD to find out my surprising favourite item though!
The gig tonight was only 8 tickets away from a sell out and I sold an amazing 885 tickets over the three nights here. It was a slightly tricky Saturday night gig, with a lot of people chatting and commenting (especially in the front row). They were good-natured and not meaning to be disruptive so it wasn't really appropriate to lay into them (though I gave them a couple of blasts) but it made it hard to do the show, especially in the second half.The Mayor of Bristol was in the audience. I hope the Sheriff of Nottingham will turn up at tomorrow's gig in that city!
It was an odd night in many ways, not least when at the end of my post gig signing a woman sidled up to me, pushed herself against me and whispered, "Do you fancy a blowie?' I assumed she was joking. People are often a little cheeky and flirtatious after this show, but they are rarely serious these days! I laughed and thanked her for the offer but pointed out (as I had in the show) that I was married. She then pointed to a drunk man with slightly mad, stary eyes and said, "My husband would really like to watch me giving you a blow-job?" Her husband said nothing, just looked at me in quite an intense way. Even if I was single and had wanted to receive oral sex from this woman then I wouldn't have been all that happy knowing that this man was in the room and observing the act. I think I might have found it hard to relax and suspected that there was every chance that halfway through he might suddenly shout "What are you doing with my wife?" and attack me. Or worse still start to join in.
It was a bold move for this request to be the first thing they said to me. Maybe if they'd romanced me a bit first? I admire their confidence though. Neither of them were particularly sexually alluring (nor am I, but I don't go up to strangers offering my services) and I had given little indication that I was up for having my penis sucked in front of a small, wild-eyed, presumably onanistic audience. I got on with signing my last couple of programmes for a nice couple who I think were unaware of the indecent proposal I was getting at the same time and thanked the game lady for the offer but made it clear as politely as possible that that wasn't going to happen. I've never been more delighted to be married. Even the moment of getting married to my wife was not as good as having a valid reason to avoid being stabbed in the face as I received fellatio from a confident and scary stranger.
You know I am flattered that they both enjoyed the show that much, but most people are happy just to shake my hand or buy a book.
