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Consciously at least I am still not really managing to process the reality of our imminent new arrival. Today I actually saw my baby moving around inside my wife's stomach (as I understand it). But the strange bulging and disappearing shape reminded me more of a snake than a person, so it was more unsettling than life affirming. And you know, how do I know that it isn't a snake in there? Medicine says it's a baby. But medicine has been wrong before. I'd make an allusion to Alien, except that surely that's pretty much the point of Alien isn't it? The weirdness of something living inside another person. In any case it's much more likely that I have spawned a Satan. I will be scanning my child for unusual birthmarks, scales etc. But if it is actually literally a snake I will still love it just as much. Maybe even a little bit more.
On a subconscious level though I think a switch has been flicked and I seem to be preparing for fatherhood by becoming much more sensible and at least attempting to be practical. Without trying or even meaning to I am becoming aware of the responsibility and the fact that tragically I am going to be some kind of role model to this snake-child. Today I found myself going through a to-do list that has remained un-to-done for quite a while. I swept up the leaves on the decking at the back of the house, I fixed the light on our front porch, I managed to extricate a broken light bulb from the kitchen that blew about a month and a half ago, leaving the screw in metal bit still screwed in (how many comedians does it take to change a light bulb? It's one, but he'll only do it if he's meant to be writing a script or has been overcome with fatherly responsibility). I've never been one to worry about visitors judging me, but this one is a bit different and even though he or she won't really understand any of this stuff for a while, I seemingly don't want to take the chance of our child realising I am a feckless idiot. At least until it's 12. Worse than that it's like I want to stop being a feckless idiot. Even if my innate feckless idiocy is proving hard to stomp out. This is probably going to be good news for my mental well being and personal happiness, but it's very bad news for my comedy (as that light bulb joke should attest. I've lost it, Mandy - that's the most obscure self-reference ever and I think only Stewart Lee will spot it as the script it came from never aired). Luckily with 47 years of feckless man child idiocy to mine I should probably be able to carry on for a little while, but then what? It's not like having a baby has ever given any comedian loads of material.
Essentially what is happening is Me1 is taking control and Me2 is slowly dying. It's been moving that way for a while, but perhaps this year Me2 will be exterminated. Who will Me1 play snooker against then? Himself? He'll look like an idiot. The last frame shows that. But I don't need to tell you that the whole of the Me1 Vs Me2 saga is a metaphor for the dichotomy within us all and represents the struggle from adolescence to adulthood. The fact that struggle is still taking place in a 47 year old man is a biting social commentary on our culture. And also on me.
Powerful forces are already taking their effect, so God knows what I will be like when this no longer feels like a dream and I have a mewling, puking, shitting infant in my arms. And hopefully the massive expense involved in keeping the child alive will force me to carry on writing childish jokes. But the way things are going with the storage jars and the lightbulb fixing and sweeping up leaves (I've always been content to let them rot before) I wouldn't hold your breath. Luckily in spite of my good intentions I will mess most things up, so the comedy should continue whether I want it to or not.
The backstage interview with Victoria Coren Mitchell is now up on the secret channel for monthly subscribers. I remember this one being quite funny, as Victoria took exception to my (I thought rather feminist) proposal that family trees should go through the maternal, not paternal line. It was fun to have my smug feminism thrown back in my face and accused of being sexist. There's quite a library of extra material building up there and you can see it for only a pound a month (more if you want). The contributions are building steadily and we're about a quarter of the way to having enough to make a monthly filmed AIOTM.
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