I tuned in to the BBC News at 6 o clock with my box of tissues in my hand and for what? There was nothing even vaguely like a woman in a bikini today. George Alagiah has lost it and taken a very dark turn. The final news story (usually the one reserved for the onanists) was about Prince William and his missus visiting a cancer hospice. I don't know what kind of weirdos the BBC are trying to cater to, but that is not something that I find sexy. Kate Middleton is OK, but not in a hospice. They at least had the opportunity to show a picture of her in that fashion show where she got William's attention. But they missed it. Whoever it was at the BBC who thought this was appropriate masturbatory material should be sacked immediately and George Alagiah should be demoted to reading the news on BBC South West at 2am. The BBC are sick. SICK!
I did slightly better with pushing on with work today, trying to make some headway with my Richard Herring's Objective about the golliwog. I was looking into whether the Golliwog was the most inappropriate toy to give to a child and researching other controversial playthings. The internet threw up a few candidates, though it's hard to be sure if all of them are genuine toys or whether some of them are jokes, or satirical pieces of art. There's lots of inappropriate kids's T-shirts, like ones that say "Future Hooters Girl" or "Future Porn Star" or "I am proof that my mum is easy". But although certainly a bit icky these are clearly really jokes for the parents with a sick sense of humour. The children are oblivious and probably can't read and even if they could they wouldn't understand the jokes. It's not that different from parents dressing up their kids as teddy bears or in other "cute" costumes. Much of the fun of that is that your feckless off-spring has no notion of how ridiculous they look. It's a way at getting back at them for ruining your life.
There are some funny accidentally inappropriate gifts like the girls' underpants from Disney emblazoned with the legend "Dive in!" Presumably this was an innocent promotion for a film like "The Little Mermaid" and no one saw the connotations that our sick in the head society would make of that. Similarly Woolworths had a children's bed on sale which were named "Lolita" by someone who presumably liked the name, but was unaware of the book by Nabokov about a man having sex with a 12 year old girl of that name. It's incredible to think that it could get to being produced with no one making the connection, but maybe it's no coincidence that Woolworths is no longer around.
Most of the controversial toys became so because they crossed the line when it came to introducing sexual subjects to children, though many of them were mainly just educational - like any doll that dared to be anatomically correct rather than have no genitalia, though one might argue it says much more about society that we pretend to kids that genitals don't exist or are too rude to be represented on a toy of a baby. Or dolls that encourage girls to breast feed them. Inappropriate or just accepting of nature?
You might say the same about the furore about the company that made high heels for 8 year olds. It's sort of a weird thing to do, but kids love dressing up and girls and boys will try out their mum's shoes anyway (I know I did- and her bras) - is it wrong for them to wear these "sexy" items or are the people getting hot under the collar about it and seeing them as potentially "sexy" the ones that we should worry about? Like the only thing stopping them finding kids sexy is that the kids aren't putting in quite enough effort, but if they make that effort then who wouldn't want to fuck them?
Perhaps giving such an item to an 8 year old does send out a message that women are meant to dress in a certain way, but that is also a message that is given out every day in millions of different ways.
There's probably more to be worried about with
the pole dancing doll which seems to be a perfect gift for the parents grooming their child for the world of adult entertainment, but I would be more upset by someone giving their daughter
this cleaning trolley set especially as the box says "Girls Only". Or the teen Barbie doll which was programmed to say
"Maths class is tough".
It's the toys that insidiously mould these tiny malleable minds to a certain point of view that are worrying. Yet we let a lot of them go by without complaint. Boys are given guns and soldiers which promote murder and death, which is surely much worse than a pole-dancing doll, but hardly anyone would complain. I loved guns and soldiers as a kid and yet I have not murdered anyone (yet) and maybe the kids choose these toys rather than the other way round.
I did have a golliwog as a child, though I didn't particularly care for it - they are ugly and terrifying items on the whole, which is why I think claims that they are harmless toys and that kids don't associate them with race are probably wrong. It's more insidious than that. I quite liked the gollies on Robertson's jam, though like most kids I just liked collecting stuff and actually found it too laborious to save labels and send off for stuff - I preferred PG Tips cards which came with every box and Weetabix Dr Who figures which gave similar instant gratification.
But I was reminded of the most terrifying toy of my childhood today - and this won't mean anything to anyone under 33 - Hamble from Play School. I loved most of the Play School Toys - Humpty was the best and the teddy bears were fine and even Jemima had her empty-headed charm, but Hamble was this dead-eyed doll, who sat awkwardly staring at nothing, looking like she was just waiting to come alive in your dreams and smother you. She was like Mrs Thatcher in doll form. Her clump of hair was too high up her head, as if she was secretly bald and her screwed up face looked bitter and nasty. I hated her and her stupid Hamble name. Hamble! It's horrible. Hamble. If you say it three times in a row she will appear in front of you and bite your eyes out. She was replaced in the 1980s by Poppy, an ethnic doll who represented the future of our country, rather than Hamble who stood for a staid and unpleasant past. Which is fitting because although Hamble never spoke or moved I am sure she was racist. So it's nice to think of her sitting in some skip somewhere bemoaning the political correct 1980s that would be her downfall. I hate you Hamble and I am glad you are dead.
